No Easy Answer
by raelee514
Summary: This is not your typical triangle.  Everybody is conflicted and everyone has feelings for everyone involved.  There are casual relationships, friendships, old crushes.  Rated M.  Keith, Allura, Lance with a dollop of Sven. More information inside.
1. Chapter 1

** Title: **No Easy Answer

** Summary: **Opened my mouth on the Voltron Forums and got stuck with an idea in my head, it shifted into this... This is a triangle where, Allura wants both Lance and Keith. Lance wants both Keith and Allura. Keith wants both Allura and Lance. Who will end up with whom? I don't know and the emotions are going to be complex. Lance and Keith are already having casual sex. Oh and at the start, Keith has a thing for Sven too... Starts set a bit before Sven's return in DoTU and the team knows he's missing (since I've always wondered did they know he was missing from Ebb? My answer, yes!)

**Allura**

I want to lick them.

I shouldn't admit it.

But as this is private and I am writing it in Ancient Arusian, I will.

I was watching Keith and Lance spar today. It was unseasonably warm today, summer is coming early to Delys region of Arus this season. They both took off their shirts, they were wearing shorts already. They both were sweating, gleaming in the sunlight.. they are built so differently but both are so muscular.

So very muscular. Nanny, would never approve of this use of Ancient Arusian... but I must, I don't want people, I feel so strange around them both lately. It's getting worse and worse. They both make me stutter, they both make me blush. Usually, it's in totally differently ways, thought, today though it was all about their bodies. I feel a bit superficial, I mean Keith and Lance are two very brave and good men, I shouldn't be thinking about how amazing it is to watch their back muscles move as they take turns throwing the other to the ground. I shouldn't be wanting to write about how amazing it is to watch Lance's calf muscles constrict and contract as he pops his long lean form off the ground attack Keith before Keith's ready for him because Keith threw him down too hard to make a point.

I shouldn't want to say that Keith's stomach looks like a piece of artwork, or that I think the scar that crosses his chest is sexy - I want to lick it - when it's a wound he nearly died from - it feels reckless and crazy. But I can't seem to stop myself because here I am doing just that...

He has tattoos - no Ancient Arusian word for that, I or I wasn't taught it. I think I'm going start to delve deeper into my Ancient Arusian studies, tattoos have existed on Arus as long as they have on Earth. Keith, has tattoos, Lance has one.

They are are distracting. Almost more so than the muscles and the sweat and the scar...

Lance's especially, I think it's because his skin is so pale. He says it's his Irish and French blood, as they day got longer, he turned pinker as Keith got darker. Nanny came out and tried to attack him with sunscreen. He grabbed the tube from her, came to me with it and gave me that look of his that always makes this flash of heat rush through me that lands between my legs... which is why my face turns as pink as his sunburned skin. He ignored the blush though, he always does... He ignored my blush, ignored the fact I couldn't my voice to work and handed me the tube, turned around and sat down in front of me and told me to rub it in good on his shoulders...

His voice all low and I do wonder if he _does that_ on purpose. This is where his damn distracting tattoo is, black as midnight sharp lines straight down his spine is a spear head; he says it's a medieval spear head of a weapon called a lance. Keith and the rest of them just say he's a narcissist. I don't know why I find it so distracting but I do. It's a weapon, the head is up by his neck, it's thicker, the deep black shades into gray to show the dimension, then it tapers down his spine. It stops before his lower back. It distracts me though, sometimes watching him move when he has his shirt off, I get this weird urge to lick up it and I find myself blushing as I sit alone in the grass. Sometimes Pidge is sitting with me or a few of my maids and they all give me a weird look.

I rubbed the lotion into his shoulders as quickly as I could, because, because I think I was afraid I might lick him. Keith was watching us both, a strange look in his dark eyes from where they'd been sparring waiting for Lance come back. His tattoos are smaller. One on his neck, Japanese symbol for honor, two of his wrists also Japanese symbols but he won't tell me what they mean... he says I'm too young to understand.

I hate it when he does that.

I thought about it when I was rubbing the sunscreen into Lance, trying to not lick his tattoo and behave extremely shamefully in public. I was also trying not to smell him, not because he stunk, which you would think he would - I always thought a woman was supposed to think sweaty men smelled awful why was it both Keith and Lance always just smelled more good. Lance always smelled like leather, it was as if his leather jacket had become a part of his pores. There was also sandalwood, and something that I think is just Lance, dark and musky and reminds me of fire. Keith smells cleaner, a bit of sandalwood too but not as much and of something he told me is pine. A tree on Earth, I'm not sure why he smells of it but I like it. He also has this smell that I think is just his, it's like sand and water, I think it's part of why he smells clean. When they sweat they both just smell more of it and it's never bad or wrong. At least not me, Pidge, Hunk and Nanny always complain...

Pidge and Hunk can sure stink.

Anyway I asked Lance, I asked Lance what the two tattoos meant on Keith's wrists and he leaned back so his head was on my shoulder, we probably looked like a two headed monster from some angles. My stomach did a weird flippy thing, it did it a lot around him, he's always so informal around me, touching me and treating me like he would any other woman. Never puts the decorum that Nanny and Coran keep yelling at him he should between us. Well, they used too, I think they've given up after he rolled his eyes and said "Allura's my friend, decorum is for strangers," at them.

Anyway, he leaned back, put his head on my shoulder, pushed his lips against my ear, which was oh Arusian God's shivers... and said, "Are you old enough to know yet, Allura?"

I sighed. He laughed.

Keith shouted out. "Lance, you coming."

Which made Lance laugh really loud and weirdly in my opinion.

"Depends, Keith, what are you asking?" he shouted, which I didn't understand as he jumped up, spun around looked down at me.

I looked up at him, held his gaze but it was hard. His dark eyes were all hooded as he looked down at me, he had that look he gets sometimes when he looks at me that makes my heart beat a bit too fast and makes me want to run away from him while at the same time I want to stay right where I am. I forced myself not to look away, I felt like he was giving me some sort of test and I wanted to pass it.

I really wanted to pass it.

"Lance," Keith shouted.

Lance licked his lips, it was slow and I knew it was on purpose and I let out this gasp, I couldn't stop at the sight of his tongue, and he grinned at me and winked. "Almost, maybe," he said and turned back to keep sparring with Keith.

When he got back to Keith, Keith leaned into him, hands on his shoulders and they were talking. To low for me to hear, I saw Keith shoot a look over at me, but he shook his head and then leaned in even more to Lance, whispering into his ear. Lance's hand came up and grabbed Keith's left wrist, he turned it so he was looking at the tattoo and then he did something that, that, well... I...

It made me mad, jealous and did that wave of heat that lands between my legs thing. And I wasn't sure if I was jealous of Lance's mouth or Keith's wrist? I mean was I jealous of Lance touching Keith, or Keith being touched by Lance?

I can't... I don't know.

I can't have a crush on both of them forever, can I?

I'm avoiding writing what Lance did, thank goodness, Nanny had gone inside when Lance promised to put on the sunscreen. She might have fainted, or possibly died. I think I almost had a heart attack. I'd never seen anything like it my life. I mean I know about it... men being together. It's been a part of Arusian Culture since... well since it's Creation Myths.

But seeing Lance take Keith's wrist and bring it to his mouth and blatantly lick the tattoo there, then kiss it with his open mouth. Keith squawked, he wasn't expecting it, whatever he said to Lance he hadn't been expecting it. After I gasped and covered my mouth because my own gasped sounded much louder than the one I'd whispered at him earlier, I realized Lance was looking right at me, he'd been looking at me the whole damn time.

Keith jerked his arm out of Lance's grasp, glaring at him, then he looked at me an expression of worry and concern on his face...for me and I couldn't handle it. I ran away.

I mean he looked at me like I was a little girl. I'm so tired of Keith thinking I'm a little girl. I'm not, at least Lance knows that. I just don't understand what the show was really all about it, at all. What was Lance doing? Besides having some fun at my expense... I mean he does that, it's Lance. He does it with every one of us, I almost think it's part of how he shows us he cares... he makes fun us, teases us in the best way he knows how. I still feel like he was testing me somehow? I feel like he somehow knew I wanted to lick them... How did he know? What was the test?

I probably failed. And oh dear, Arusian Gods, if Lance does know I wanted to lick him, or lick Keith...how can I ever look him in the eye again, it's so embarrassing. It's so shameful, it's not becoming a Crown Princess at all, I must get control of these embarrassing, thoughts.

**~.~**

**Keith**

Fuck.

I could kill Lance sometimes, yet every time I think about ready to do so I somehow end up naked in bed with him. I don't know what started it today, I don't know if it was me, him, the heat or whatever game he was playing with Allura.

His crush on Allura gets out of hand, I understand why he has it. I think we all have one on her. She's beautiful, she graceful, she has a passion and determination for her people that is impossible not be in awe of in someone so young. She's risen to the challenge of being a member of our team, all of us trained for years to be where we are and she's trained with us for only a year now; a choppy year of training by fire. Under fire, with insane Prince who wants to possess her. Yet she remains innocent all the same...

Innocence I think Lance likes playing with and that's playing with fire. Part of Allura's purity and beauty is her innocence. I'm getting angry again and yet somehow I went from yelling at him to shoving my tongue down his throat. I don't know how he can turn me around like that... he's not even that into me. I don't think. He and I have an understanding, we've always had and understanding.

We're best friends first. The sex is...

Casual. Not that often and sex. Though lately than not that often has become more and more often. There aren't that many options out here. That isn't true, there are women and men, but we can't leave the Castle that often and we can't go far. And we, well the five of us can really only understand the five of us.

And he's the only one who knows how much I miss Sven, how much I blame myself for Sven, how much I fear that Sven is dead. He was supposed to be safe on Ebb, getting medical treatment so he could return to us, so maybe I could finally man up and tell him how I felt and...

Well, get let down easy. Lance won't say it to me, he keeps telling me you never know man he might feel the same way but I see it in Lance's eyes. He's won't be the one to break my heart when it's about another guy.

I've put my energy into protecting Allura. I couldn't protect Sven, Sven may dead... and Lance goes and plays with her head. He freaks her out, he's so damn outwardly sexual and his sexuality freaks her out. And he can't stop himself from flirting with her, the full court McClain press because he's Lance and he flirts like he breaths but she's never had a man come on to her before and especially not like Lance. First time he gave me those bedroom eyes of his, I almost came on the spot, and I also ran away.

Why the hell he picked up my wrist and licked it. LICKED IT. It in front of her, I don't know. The minute she ran away, his face fell - the thing his his crush on her. Not so much a crush. It's different than most of his crushes, I've never seen him like this with someone before. I was pissed off though, so crestfallen face or not I laid into him.

Allura is precious, special and I don't want her hurt, I will kill him if he hurts her. Ever. I will. Her innocence is a treasure, her hope is despite all that she has lost, her planet has lost, that we continue to go through while facing Doom. She amazes me the more I get to her and I don't want him messing with her head, even if he might care about her more than other woman or man he's lain his eyes on.

She's too important. She's more special than all of us. But of course after I yelled and screamed at him about what the hell all that was about he looked at me with those brown eyes of his and gutted me with one line.

"She fucks me up."

Uh, writing it down it doesn't sound like it could have gutted me. But you have to understand, Lance, he... he doesn't do vulnerable. He does mocking, he does funny, sarcastic, he does pissed off and determined. He shows you he loves you by saving your ass, and flying like an idiot in battle and nearly getting himself killed. But he doesn't do vulnerable. He talk nonstop, he's share stories about his life but you'll never hear the bad things -

Unless you share his bed.

And the bad stuff is harrowing, and he told me once back at the Academy when I admitted I'd tracked him down at the club I'd found him at and slammed him against a wall because of Sven - he'd dragged it out of me. He'd admitted to me he didn't think he'd ever fall in love because be he didn't want to risk it. His eyes had taken on his hallow look I'd never seen before, I still don't know the full story, but I know it's about his mother and father.

I know his mother died when he was kid. I know his father is a drunk.

I know when I talk about Sven now, I see that look a lot in his eyes and then he shakes his head and offers his services with a leer.. and somehow I always say yes. That isn't what happened today though, it was me offering to help him, somehow...

He had that look in his eyes when he said Allura fucked him up, he was shaking his head and looking up at the clear blue Arusian sky. He was laughing but not a Lance laugh, a bitter laugh I don't think I've heard before. "I gotta shake it, man, I gotta..." he looked at me and grabbed my face. "Please?" he whispered and he kissed me.

And we went to my room.

He's still asleep, snoring and in writing this I've gotten mad and talked myself right back out of it again. He is right though he needs to figure out a way to push aside whatever it is he feels for Allura, I can't have either one of them getting hurt by him because of it...

Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Keith**

Sven. He's different. The only time he seems to be close to the man or the boy I remember falling in love with all those years ago at the Academy is when he's with Princess Romelle. With his he's taciturn, and maybe that's not different but his quiet isn't like it used to be. He's not talking to us whereas before he simply wasn't speaking until he had something to say.

He's angrier than I remember, more ruthless - which is worse than terrifying. His ruthlessness much to my chagrin used to turn me on. It was the cause of many sleepless nights, not for the obvious reasons but I was having trouble reconciling it in my head. How I could find someone who could go cold and attack with precision violence unbelievably hot...It came down to the fact that Sven was ruthless and decisive about it because he hated the idea of taking lives, or hurting people. After any hand to hand combat class, or airfare combat course he'd go off alone for hours, I finally tracked him down once, to see if he was okay and he told me he had to let the adrenaline drain out of his system slowly and in peace and quiet.

I find peace in martial arts, I know no one understands it, but there is a structure and a dance to it that calms. I practice it and it works better than any meditation and in in battle, I am always ready to do what is needed without thought - and that helps with knowing that I may have to kill an opponent. I can feel the gravity later.

Sven feels it all while it happens. What he went through on Doom - We know he was hiding alone, in the caves in the Pit of Skulls, surviving on his own, eating rats. He survived and he's back. Well, he is here.

I'm not sure he's back. He gets this look in his eyes and I don't know where he goes, I used to be able to read him. I used to be able to understand him. Sven could take team arguments and narrow them down one sentence, a perfect question that went to the heart of the matter. We were arguing about a new strategy I wanted to try out, a harder flying formation I've been wanting to try with the lions but feared Allura couldn't handle, but Sven can. When I finished, Lance said we should train Allura to do it as well, I instantly disagreed. I don't think she can do it. Lance got angry, he pointed we never know when one us will be down, she needs to be able to back us up. I simply said, she's in a lion we aren't doing this formation. He then asked what formations or attack strategies I was keeping from him, since some members of the team only got to learn certain things.

It turned into an asinine argument. At some point Hunk yelled, let's just get flying and learning already. Then Pidge piped up saying he thought Lance was right Allura should learn all formations and attacks in case she was needed for back up.

I turned to Sven, I studied his face, the upturn of his nose, the curl of his lips and I felt more secure than I had in a long time. I asked him for his opinion. His grey eyes turned to look at me and he said. "I'll do what you order, Keith."

(Italic) I'll do what you order, Keith. (Italic)

No opinion, no sense he was even listening to the argument and I...I was unsure by then my stance was right. Was I being unfair to Allura? She'd taken Sven's return in stride, but Lance had said a few things during the argument that might mean she wasn't as nonchalant about giving up her seat in Blue Lion as it appeared. If she allowed herself to admit the truth about her feelings about being on the team it would be to Lance.

It is that it was always meant to be temporary. She's a Princess, not a soldier and I know she wants to be active in defending her planet, in freeing them from terror they are under. Allura is fierce in her passion for her people, it takes my breathe away when I witness its fervor, but she isn't meant to be under fire.

Life can be snuffed out too quickly.

Sven walking around detached, indifferent, with sudden bursts of anger from time to time, I feel like a piece of Sven's soul has vanished. Unless she's around. Romelle. And she keeps coming around because Sven keeps going into the control room the middle of the night here and mid-afternoon Pollux time to talk to her.

He talks to her and not to me, he used to talk with me. We dated once, long time ago, when we were too young to know what we were doing. He always said he was experimenting and that his time with me had helped him to be sure of a few things that had been nagging at his soul. He's intensely private, he never told me everything he felt about me, us, or our break up.

Maybe it was I never fully let go of him, of us, or the idea of us. The thing was we weren't supposed to fall in love. We were supposed to be having fun, it was a surprise we became friends. The truth was Sven picked me up at a club, he never thought the boy he met at the gay dance club would be the guy he was partnered with in his Theoretical Physics course their first year at the Academy.

I fell for him by the time the affair, his experiment, was over. I knew what it was, Sven is too true of heart to lay the cards out on the table. He told me he had questions, he had nagging thoughts and he was working through them. I wasn't the only man, I wasn't the only person. I was the only one to remain in his life. A confidant, with what little he would share but I would never push, I share so little with people myself. I know what is it to feel the inability to know how to find words for the feelings and thoughts that are within you from the experiences you go through.

The longer we fight Doom the more I have hidden inside of me. I thought having Sven back would make it better, a place to go for comfortable quiet and well worded talk that wouldn't be too overwhelming. But he's dazed, and when he's not dazed he's angry and when he's not those things he's doesn't seem to be here.

Is he in the Pit of Skulls or is he on Pollux? With Romelle?

~~.~~

Keith's pen made a strange curved loop he could never do on purpose when the alert on his door chirped to inform him he had company. Frowning at how the black line had squiggled over his last few lines he closed the red covered journal and stood up. He half-hoped it was Sven, the other of him wasn't sure he could handle seeing the indifference in Sven's grey eyes.

The disappointment when it was Lance was a harder punch than he was expecting. Keith nodded his hello to his friend and allowed him to enter. Lance walked in with his hands in his jacket pockets. A quick way to read Lance was to read his body language in relationship to the brown leather jacket that he wore like a second skin. Hands in the pockets meant Lance felt uncomfortable in the situation he was in, the more he dug into the pockets the more disconcerted the situation made him. Lance almost looked casual if Keith glanced at him without a discerning eye but Keith knew Lance. A stranger could believe Lance was fine but what Keith witnessed was Lance trying to hug leather tighter against his skin because something was making him uneasy. Keith stayed by the door, arms crossed over his chest and waited for Lance to make the first move.

"It's not going to work."

Keith didn't allow himself to show his confusion on his face but the truth was he didn't know what Lance was talking about. "What isn't going to work?" he asked.

"Sven back on the team, Keith. It is not going to work," Lance said enunciating the words more clearly.

"He never left the team, Lance. He's been through Hell. He's working with the therapist, he'll..." Keith trailed off because he ran out of words to say to defend his position but he wasn't giving up. They couldn't turn their back on Sven, he wouldn't turn his back on Sven.

"Keith," Lance said. It wasn't only his name. Lance had locked his gaze with him and forced Keith to see him expressing a knowing, and surprisingly compassionate expression. Lance was saying he knew, he got it, he knew Keith and the way he'd said Keith's name spoke of it. It was the way an old friend says your name where it can have a thousand more meanings. This time Lance meant Keith stop lying to yourself.

"No," Keith argued. "He needs our support, we can't turn our backs on him. We need to support him and hold him."

"I don't think we can do it," Lance said.

"No," Keith said again.

"Keith, he's at his best when he's talking with her, or when she's here. I think you need to tell him it's okay if he wants to leave, if he doesn't feel ready yet. Honestly, I don't get why the Garrison agreed to allow him back on active duty."

Keith frowned he knew why, Sven had asked him to stand up for him. Coran had pleaded with Keith to do the same thing so Allura would no longer be running into danger. He'd agreed because he'd wanted both things: Allura safe and Sven back.

"I stood up for him. He proved he was healthy enough, the shrinks wouldn't have allowed if they thought he couldn't handle it."

Lance sighed.

Keith waited again because he knew Lance wouldn't quit, not this easily, Lance fought hard when he believed he was in the right. It aggravated Keith because Lance points at time were so out of the box of linear rational thought it didn't seem possible he could have a real point. Then when the smoke cleared it would turn out he'd been onto something the rest of them missed. It meant Keith could never dismiss Lance's crazier thoughts out of hand.

"Allura's upset."

It was Keith's turn to sigh. "She knew it was temporary."

"You're not even allowing her to train as back up for Black for any longer. I thought that was the plan. And as far as I'm concerned it wouldn't hurt to ensure she could be back up for any of us. She's all we got when it comes to a back up pilot, not having her continue to train with us..."

"Lance she's done. Coran wants her off the line of fire. Sven's back. It was meant to be temporary and it should've been. I don't disagree with you as a soldier but she's the Crown Princess, the only Crown Princess this planet had. Arus needs her to survive and every time she went out there Blue Lion she risked the Monarchy."

"The Monarchy?" Lance mocked.

"You may not find it important Lance, but it is. Arus has always been ruled by a King or a Queen. Queen Orla isn't not the ruler of the planet as you know that falls to Princess Allura as the daughter of the last ruler of Arus. They have a much more complicated system than of the Monarchies of Earth to be honest. Allura needs to survive, wed and have children to keep the royal blood line alive. It's one of the reasons Coran and Nanny are always happy about any Princes that arrive."

"Given that all the Princes she's met are either evil or bores, I'm thinking they might have a problem. Also what about what Allura wants?'

"She was born who she is, Lance. She may not get that choice."

Lance rolled his eyes. "Wait, wasn't one of the King's of Arus gay? With a husband?"

Keith stared at him. "What?"

Lance nodded. "Yes, I'm right about this, Allura told me, we were in downstairs where all the older paintings were. There was a painting with two men, with two young boys and one daughter. They adopted... adopted. Tell me their children had real royal blood? I doubt the husband was a Prince either. There must be loopholes for Allura."

"Lance, I'm sure if that is true the loopholes wouldn't apply to Allura."

Lance bowed his head and looked down at the bed, spotting the journal bright red against white bedsheets. "Pining in Japanese for Sven, again?"

"English...and no," Keith said, shaking his head as he realized he almost admitted a piece of his spirit remain in Sven's grasp.

Lance looked back up, his expression saying bullshit but he didn't say anything out loud. He crossed the space between them, hands coming out of his pockets and he placed them on Keith's shoulders, close into his neck, thumbs finding hard knots on blind instinct and digging in to try unknot them. "We're making a mistake, we'll manage without him, we have a great team. Yes, he's a part of us. I missed him too, I still miss him. He's not back, Keith. He's here but he's not back, the closest he gets to being our friend to being the that guy I know is when Princess Romelle is around. I know you know this, I bet if I opened that red journal I'd read it."

Lance's thumbs were working a bit of magic, his neck felt loser and the dull ache of tension in his head was subsiding. Keith fought to keep his eyes open, forced himself keep eye contact and he conceded. "Yes, he's damaged, Lance. All the more reason he needs us. You and me, we're his oldest friends, his 'valgte familien.' He told his own words, remember?"

"I do," Lance letting his forehead hit Keith's and his thumbs stilled. "But Keith, I don't..."

"No!" Keith pushed Lance away. "We aren't turning are backs on him, Lance."

Lance's narrowed his eyes at him. "You fucking know that is the last thing I mean. You can't fucking keep him here because you want to Keith," he shouted.

"You think everything is about sex, don't you. This is about friendship and what is best for the team and Arus. Sven makes us a stronger team, he's a better pilot, a better fighter than Allura."

"Not if his headspace is fucked up in ways we can't help him deal with, Keith, this is going to backfire, I can..."

"What?"

"Feel it."

"Whatever."

"Fine, ignore me, don't listen to reason. And you're fucking wrong about Allura. She's less precise sure, less ruthless, I'll give you that. But passion like she has to fight for her people, makes her one hell of a strong teammate and I'm pretty damn sure you know that too. Or you never would have trained her in the first place, Keith."

Keith turned away, he didn't want to listen to this anymore, he didn't want to think about this anymore. "Just get out of here Lance. Out."

A second later Keith heard the door swish open and shut, his room felt colder and bigger in that second and he closed his eyes, the dull headache that had started to subside roared back and became a sudden migraine. He walked to his bedside table lamp, turned it off and sat on the edge of his bed in the dark.


	3. Chapter 3

Three

** Allura**

I handed of the the key of Blue Lion to Sven without an argument because the lion was his first. He was a part of the prophecy, the fifth of the five young men who would come to Arus in a great time of need. I handed over the key and I felt a crack form in my heart. No more uniform, no more training to defend myself in hand to hand combat, no more flight - I love being a pilot.

I've been told my entire life a woman shouldn't love such a thing. But I do, I feel alive in the air in ways that are indescribable. It's the one place where I have control of my life, I steer the Lion, I aim the weapons, I am in charge of life up there - and the lives of my people. I defend my planet and I have the back of four of my closest friends and great heros to my people.

It was taken away from me with Sven's return to Arus. I tried to be gracious. I tried to not complain, I tried to not miss it. I shouldn't miss battle. I shouldn't miss fighting and killing. I shouldn't miss something that I should not find fun... I fight in a war, in no way should I see or have found the amusing side of flight. But I did in training, I found that speed excites me, it flies through me and lifts me up from my soul first then my bones. I found I love learning the dance and grace that is martial arts, it's not a barbaric way of fighting, it's circles and prescision, it's about movement and countermovement. It's music and dance.

I love to dance.

I love to fly.

I love to fight.

I do not like to be covered with the blood of a man.

My uniform is ruined. The front from my chest to my stomach is stained irrevocably, it looks brown now that the blood has dried but it was crimson and dripping. My breasts and stomach were patched with rivulets of red when I finally agreed to leave the surgeons wing and take it off.

I couldn't slow the blood, stench it, or stop it. It was Lance's stomach, he'd already bled out too much when I got into Red Lion's cockpit and he was on the floor his breath and heartbeat thread thin and about to break away completely. I did all I could, all I knew until Keith and Hunk arrived.

Keith froze for the longest of seconds, I've never seen him freeze before. It may have scared me if I already wasn't past the point of terror because of Lance. Instead all it did was enrage me, as I tried to slow his bleeding, while Hunk started to breath into his mouth - I think, Arusian Gods, I... I think Lance may have stopped breathing. I don't want to contemplate it.

I screamed at Keith. I don't know what I yelled. I know I blamed him for Lance and I know I meant it. I can't take it back because of the truth of it but I wish I could take back the harshness of my words. I blamed Keith for it because I blamed him for Sven, I blamed him for not seeing how screwed up Sven was and something like this had been inevitable and now Lance could...

I didn't say what I was the most scared off, I still can't think it. Lance still hasn't woke up. I still don't understand how he was so hurt and we didn't know until Red Lion crashed into lake after we defeated the Robeast. The whole battle had been a catastrophe.

It started with Sven shooting Lance down. It ended with Lance in a bed, tubes and machines and me and Keith sitting vigil, not talking to each other. I can't talk to him, I don't know how. I can't take back what I said, even I wish I'd said with more tact.

I had given Sven my key without a fight. I had thought at first I was being jealous, unfair. After all, I was a Princess, a woman. I shouldn't like being a pilot, a killer, I shouldn't need to know how to protect myself. I had five brave men to protect me... These thoughts scrapped against my insides like sandpaper against the grain. It was all wrong, I was better off before, I should still be training with them, I thought as they went outside to do hand to hand. I should still be learning to fly Black Lion, and flying in Blue. I should be able to fly any of the lions, I thought watching from my bedroom one day.

Sven. I didn't know him well, I never had the change. He'd been injured and then missing, presumed dead before I'd been giving the chance. But I knew Lance and Keith, and I watched them with Sven and grew more confused. Lance was walking around the Castle, mouth closed, jacket pulled tight around him and every time he spoke with Sven I sensed and could hear in his voice an internal battle not to yell and scream at his is war scarred friend.

He lost twice, Sven would startle and then close off even more. I soon got the sense that Sven, though the quiet type, much like Keith hadn't been so closed off to them before. Lance saw it, Keith however... Keith kept acting like nothing was different with Sven at all but the more I watched the act, the more I saw Keith fighting to remain in character. He was pushing to remain the same as he'd always been with Sven. To be patient, to wait Sven's issues out.

Pidge and Hunk. I knew them too. They both knew Sven better than me, if not as well as Lance and Keith, and they both are such open and talkative, caring and compassionate souls. Hunk kept trying to bond with Sven; over food, over the Lion's mechanics, over anything he could think of that the two of them could talk about together. Nothing worked. Pidge kept trying to draw Sven out as well, over anything and everything but he also only would get monosylllabic answers.

My cousin Romelle is the only one he speaks with and she too is scarred. Lotor, I shudder when I think of the things my cousin has gone through at the hands of Lotor because we kept failing to save her. He raped her. I write it down here and know it's a horror. But I can't comprehend it's atrocity because no man has ever touched me against my will or even with my will. I can't imagine her pain. Yet she remains so strong and Sven he turns to her strength and I think the strength he still has is being solely given to my cousin.

I heard Lance tell Keith once to give it up and tell Sven he can go to Pollux. Keith walked away. I keep thinking about it now. I sit here in this room, waiting and waiting for Lance to wake up, feeling as if I still have his blood on my hands, wrists, face, neck, stomach and breasts. Sven and Romelle are fixing each other, they talk when they can, Romelle has had to stop travelling back and forth so often; it wasn't practical for her to keep going between the two planets.

Sven's been worse since then.

He shot Lance down.

I almost was killed when I ran out there to get to Blue Lion, to do what I could to help the others. Trying not to think about Lance, but he appeared out of nowhere and saved me, Sven and the Blue Lion from being destroyed by Lotor in his flagship. The Robeast keeping Keith and the others away.

How had Lance flown so injured?

None of us realized it until the end, then Red Lion crashed into the lake, a second after I landed the Lion and was wondering how to deal with Sven. I never did have to figure that out because I left them there, in the lion to swim to Red.

Climbed into a cockpit pooled with blood.

I'm going in circles.

I'm stopping now, I want to hold his hand.

**Keith**

Allura won't look me in the eyes. We are in the same room but we might as well not be. Lance isn't the only thing between us. Everything Lance has been saying to me whenever he got the chance, saw a moment, felt that I hadn't heard it often enough that week or that day...

_Sven is going fall apart. He's not here. He's not ready. He's worse now that Romelle is not visiting. The subspace communications aren't enough, Keith. We aren't enough for him. He needs more than that damn therapist in the medical wing and whatever drugs she's given him. I'm not even sure she's helping him. Romelle and he, they bring out the strength in each other don't tell me you don't see it, Keith..._

I didn't want to see it. I looked away, physically so I wouldn't see it. It was bad enough I didn't have Sven back as my good advisor. The rational one who could cut through the bull. The friend I could always go to talk to and rant about how crazy driving Lance is with his being well Lance.

I blamed myself for Sven being injured, I'm the commander. It should have been me. I should have fought harder for the team to go to Doom and look for him when we found out about the raid on Ebb and that people were taken from the hospital - Doom liked slaves with injuries, less likely to fight back. It disgusted me when I heard it, it disgusted me Sven was among them but I bought the lies that we were told. Maybe the Garrison hadn't lied, or thought they'd told me the truth. But in the end Sven had been on Doom for almost a year.

Going through a Hell I can't understand. Comprehend. But Princess Romelle does? Of course she does, the Hell she went through was is worse than even Sven's. He's gentle with her, kind, the gentleman I remember holding my hand at times when were young, stupid and innocent at the Academy. We'd walk on the beach, he'd hold my hand, and I'd marvel at the fact I was on a idyllic beach date with a handsome man with accent.

I try to keep my idealist romantic side in check, I always failed with Sven. I fail with Sven. I failed. Lance was right, he wasn't ready, and when Romelle stopped being able to visit every couple of weeks from Pollux, he got even more quiet.

An unsettled, loud quiet that was worse than the quiet that unsettled me before. I hadn't know it possible. He was holding it together with broken rubber bands, I suppose, I don't know. He's catatonic right now, he's been catatonic since Allura made her way to Blue Lion during the battle. Since he shot Lance down.

It was an accident of course. It was during my harder, newer formation. We'd been fine at in practice but we were putting it to use in battle for the first time. Going in fast on the Robeast, a huge pig faced, hoofed monstrous thing that was breathing out fire and had missiles blowing out of its ears. It'd been fine until Sven sped in early, firing his torpedoes and freeze guns blazing and shot Lance, because Lance was still in range.

I watched in horror as Red Lion dropped, head first without a peep from Lance into a Mountain cavern, I couldn't even see where he landed. I was starting after him, when two things happened simultaneously. Sven flew out of formation and landed by the lake, not in the lake but by the lake and the Robeast caught Pidge in some forcefield.

I couldn't leave Pidge and Hunk. Neither Sven or Lance were answering my calls. Coran at the control said he was doing his best to reach them, the he let out a shout. The Princess was outside, running for Blue Lion.

Allura's bravery has always been blind to the risk to herself. It's how it is with her I suppose. Lotor's flagship was barreling in on Blue Lion, and I couldn't get to her in time, no matter what I did at the point. I was terrified for Allura, scared for Sven because I didn't know what was going on his in his head and I was in denial about Lance.

I kept waiting for Lance's to be in my ear, smartass and crass, flying like the ace he is and coming back into play. I was expecting it, so when it happened I didn't even feel relief, I felt what I said to him on the comm. "About time, now you and Allura get up here so we can form Voltron."

My world didn't crash to pieces until I dived into the lake, Hunk right after me and then got into the cockpit of Red Lion after the battle. When for the second time in one day I watched Red Lion fall right out of the sky. Lance is white, he's always white, but he's not deathly white. He was deathly pale on the floor of the cockpit, Allura covered with his blood, her knees in a pool of it trying to keep some of it inside of him.

Hunk dropped to the floor, his hand went immediately to Lance's neck, then he started to perform CPR. Allura started raging at me after a second, a minute, I don't know how long all I could do was stare at Lance looking like a corpse on the floor of his lion and wonder what the fuck had happened.

Allura was telling me.

Sven wasn't healthy. He'd done this. He wasn't moving in Blue. Lance wouldn't stop bleeding. It was all my fault.

And it is.

Allura's holding Lance's hand. I wish I felt I had the right to hold the other. Allura may have been to the one to have gotten covered in Lance's blood but it's me that has his blood on my hands. I should check on Sven, but I can't move from Lance's side. I need to see him open his eyes; see the puppy dog expression of them. I want to hear him say I told you so in the crudest way possible.

I need Lance more than I knew.


	4. Chapter 4

Four

Allura was impatient for the Polluxian shuttle to land. She understood why it was important she be the one to greet her cousin and explain the situation. In fact she had volunteered to do so when Pidge had announced when he contacted Princess Romelle she'd insisted on coming to Arus straight away to see Sven, against Bandor and the Polluxian advisor's wishes. Allura, however, had at the time thought Lance would be awake by the time her cousin arrived. Awake and on his way to recovery. But he wasn't and she didn't want him waking up in the room, to find only Keith there, the guy who put him in this mess in the first place.

Allura tightened the arms that were crossed tightly around her chest, she was being unfair to Keith. She knew it with every unfair thought but it wasn't stopping the thoughts from forming, it wasn't calming her anger. She wasn't sure her anger would calm down until Lance woke up - not for her. She knew all the others were waiting for Sven to speak, to do more than blink his eyes now and again and breathe. His catatonia had remained for as long as Lance remained in his coma. Allura cared, she was compassionate, but she barely knew him. She did know Lance.

She hadn't realized how important he'd been. Allura had known he made her uncomfortable in ways that felt shameful and made her blush. It was things she didn't fully understand because she'd never felt them until Keith and Lance. Lance purposely provoked her, he prodded her with looks and innuendo she didn't even fully comprehend but it made her shiver and tingle anyway. She'd look away from him, or tell him he was brute, act superior and regal. Out of his league, and she never meant it. He made her laugh too, and though she'd pulled rank on him, he never treated her as if she was anything but a young woman. He didn't let the title of Princess stand between them, he knew she only used it as a shield.

One second without Lance's voice in her day was one second too long and it'd taken it being taken away for her to realize she wanted him around. Pushing her past boundaries she had in ways she'd never expect. Challenging her with a raise of his brow and the curve of his lips. She wanted him to look at her in that way that made his eyes go dark, and his eyelids seem heavy and seemed to produce a heat that moved between their two bodies.

It made her run away, every time, but she wanted the chance again to try to stay put and see what would happen. But waiting for Romelle's damn ship to land was keeping her from getting to his room, from holding his hand and willing him to wake up. But she owed her cousin this, as much as she owed Lance her bedside vigil and she should owe Keith more patience. Allura wasn't the only one in pain.

The shuttle finally landed, Romelle exited her head bent down and walked over to Allura, her own quick gait making it clear she wasn't in the mood to dawdle on hellos any more than Allura herself. Allura nodded hello and attempted a welcoming smile, though she didn't feel like smiling. Romelle didn't try to smile back. "Please, just take me to Sven?" she asked. "I need to see him."

Allura turned and the two young woman, from different worlds founded by the same race, who bore a striking resemblance despite the centuries and space between, walked into the Castle of Lions towards the medical wing. A full floor of the castle was used only for medical needs, surgical, physical, psychological, medicinal. Triage, research, it was all there, and it was all run and lead by the chief of medicine Dr. Gorma, a leader in his field before the war and now again during it. He had a great staff and they were all hard workers, Allura always felt their steady presence when they were needed and never when they weren't. At times as she sat by Lance the past week, she'd wondered if she'd taken them all for granted, given the damage done to her people and her soldiers every attack.

"Has he spoken?" Romelle asked breaking the silence when they stepped off the lift onto the medical floor.

"No. There has been no change since Pidge spoke with your right after the accident."

"I don't understand. Pidge said he shot down, Lance. I cannot understand how that could have happened."

"It was an accident, we're all sure of it," Allura said, though she knew it didn't help because it being an accident was a given, Sven would never hurt Lance, but how it happened in the first place. It seemed so far from the realm of possibility.

Romelle stayed silent.

Allura brought her to the room in the psychology wing where Sven was being kept, having to force herself to turn in that direction instead of taking the turns that would bring her back to the ICU where Lance still lay attached to machines, barely breathing on his own. As she opened the door to Sven's room for Romelle, she glanced down the hallway toward the exit wanting to walk out and knowing she couldn't - not yet.

Romelle walked past her and stopped still when she saw Sven. Allura knew the sight, she made herself come and see him at least once a day; he was her friend too, he was in trouble as well. Two teammates had fallen in the battle, not only one... She had to remind herself sometimes. Sven sat up, awake, if you watched him long enough you would see him blink but it seemed to stare out into space without the need and there didn't seem to be anything going on behind what were usually sharp grey eyes filled with intelligence.

"Oh!" Romelle gasped. "I..." she fell to her knees.

Allura hurried to her cousin, falling to the floor beside Romelle, her arms reaching out and landing around Romelle's shoulders. Romelle was sobbing, chest heaving trying to hold onto her breathe. "I'm sorry," Allura whispered, she didn't know how much time had passed. "I should've better warned you."

"No, no, I don't think you could've," Romelle whispered. "I shouldn't be doing this in front of him, he shouldn't see me like this..." Romelle whispered, her voice cracking as she fought to gain control of herself. She started to stand and Allura helped her up.

"I, I, would like to talk to Keith," she whispered, turning to Allura and shocking her. "Please? Where is he?"

"With Lance, he won't leave him," Allura said, a flash of envy hitting her. She was forced too, every night, made to sleep in her bed, made to eat breakfast with Hunk, Pidge, Nanny and Coran before she could see him. Keith, Keith looked like hell; Keith was unshowered and unshaven. Keith was making a Keith shaped dent in the chair on the left side of Lance's bed. "When I say, he won't leave him, I should make it clear. He hasn't left the room in six days."

Romelle's eyes widened but otherwise she gave no indication she had heard Allura and again they walked silently, this time taking the direction that Allura's whole being wanted to run toward. Allura tried not to quicken her step but she realized she failed when she opened the door to Lance's room and Romelle was a few feet behind her. Allura forced herself to pause in the doorway and wait for her cousin.

Romelle nodded her thanks at the door, then nodded that she could take it from here. Allura shook her head and for the first time in days she spoke to Keith. "Keith?" she said.

Keith started, his whole body jumping like he'd been caught doing something wrong. He'd been bent toward Lance, boughed toward him like a branch, only inches from touching him but for some reason he never did. He never took Lance's hand, Allura didn't understand it and at times it made her even more angry with him. Keith looked up, he blinked and then he rubbed his eyes. "Allura?" he said.

"Romelle wishes to speak with you," she said.

"I need to discuss Sven, Keith. Alone," Romelle said, her voice decisive and strong. Allura was impressed, because their was no sign of Romelle's recent tears in her words at all. It must've taken extreme strength to pull off such a thing, Allura though and her estimation of her cousin grew.

Keith stared at the them for a full minute saying nothing. Romelle cleared her throat. "Please?" she added.

Allura moved then, going to what she thought of as her chair, sliding into it and she picked up Lance's hand, squeezed it as hard as she could hello. Holding on tight, she prayed again that he could feel it and would open his eyes and yell at her for hurting him - like she could break him. She waited a beat but nothing happened, the machines stayed monotone, Lance stayed asleep. Allura sighed. "Good morning, I'm sorry I'm late. Romelle is here. She's going to help, Sven. I know you approve of that."

"Right," Keith said, too loudly as if he'd forgotten how to talk. Allura wondered if maybe he had, he'd been quiet all this time after all. She talked to Lance, Keith sat and stared. He stood up, ran hand over his unshaved face and walked over to Romelle. "We can talk outside," he muttered.

Romelle nodded, turned and led the way herself. Allura watched their backs retreat for only a moment and then she let out a breath, her duty for the moment was done. Now she could focus on being a friend. "She cried, she fell down she cried so hard, Lance. She must love Sven, really love him in a way I can see but can't comprehend. So much passion, to drop to your knees because the man you love is... Where did he go? I wish you would wake up? I'm scared you've gone to the same place, you just took a different route. I'm so angry at Keith, I can't stop it and I barely understand why. I've never been so angry with someone for so long. He sits here with you and he offers nothing. He doesn't apologize, he doesn't go to see Sven - the one he bent over backwards for in the first place. I don't understand it, do you? Would you tell me, or mock me for not figuring it all out? I actually miss you making of me Lance, you're the only one who ever dares to mock the Princess. Please wake up, soon."

Allura's voice broke on a sob, tears splashed onto Lance's hand and wrist from her face as she bent her head down onto his forearm and closed her eyes and started to say an old Arusian Prayer for the dying in her head. She'd been whispering it to herself daily, she didn't dare not say it now because everyday Lance breathed on, so maybe it was helping.

**~~.~~**

**Keith**

I was remembering how I realized Lance McClain was my best friend.

See, that is the thing with Lance, you have the realization. You don't meet Lance and think I'll trust this guy with my deep dark secrets. I never meant to tell Lance one secret let alone all of them. He knows all my secrets, even the new ones because somehow when I'm low he'll find me and we'll talk and they'll trickle out of me. He's the only human who can do that to me... my mother's dog could do it to, make me talk. She'd rub her muzzle against my head, or my legs and I'd sit down, and she'd prop her chin down and drool all over me as I cried out my secrets.

Lance, he'll rub against you in different ways. Sometimes it's... Well, sometimes it's him on his knees, me down his throat and I'm sure if I had any I'd tell him classified secrets if he asked. He's got uses for his tongue that more than smartassery. Other times though he can rub you all the wrong ways, he pushes your buttons and he does it on purposes. Picks fights, makes you angry and it's like he's waiting, waiting for you to hit him in the jaw. And I have, I have hit him the jaw I don't know how many times because he can push my buttons like no one else. When we first met it was easier for him to rile me up - I was painfully shy, private, still in love Sven and all Lance had to do was publicly say anything about him, me and sex and I was ready to rip his heart out through his throat.

I couldn't figured out what he kept doing it, but he kept doing it, and yet I kept going back to him after things kept getting worse with Sven before he and I found a way to be a friends. Or rather a semester happened where I went away for three months and the distance gave me perspective on Sven that was needed. From there I could handle our friendship and it not being anything more, I'd met other men, beside Lance McClain who'd been my... rebound sexual fling? I don't even know what Lance was back then, hell half the time when we sleep together now, I don't know what we are doing.

I thought my relationship with Lance would be over completely. No sex, no Lance. I was wrong, very wrong. I mean I walked into my first class the semester after those three months and Lance was sitting there already, in the back his feet up on the chair in front of him. Making people walk around him, no one would dare take the seat in front of him. I was late, it was the only seat left. I walked up and he cocked an eyebrow at me, and I shrugged back at him. We stared.

The teacher came in and asked what was going on, but before I could turn to answer he reacted in the strangest way. "McClain, of course and you're facing off with...ah Kogane. This should be interesting. Class want to take bets?"

It was Hawkins, in retrospect it makes sense but I'd never had him before, Lance said he hadn't either afterward. We never did find out how he knew about us, when we didn't know about him...it was his job of course. The class did take bets, not that I paid attention, Lance didn't either. He and I just stared.

I'd already seen Sven. I was still attracted Sven, I probably always would be but I could live with it because it was simply a fact now. Sven had been happy to see me back, as his friend and we talked and caught up. We were friends and I thought we might have a chance to become better friends because I was finally over my pathetic ideal romanticism of him and I that never should've happened.

Lance however was a different monster. I had wrongly thought if I saw Lance again I wouldn't even be attracted to him. If there is a scale for how wrong a man can be, I broke it. Lance is lanky, he's too pale, he's got hair that isn't brown and isn't red. Sometimes his eyes are brown and sometimes they're not green or brown and are a bit of both and amber. He's a few inches taller than me putting him just above six feet, and he's kind of klutz. I've literally seen him walk into walls. Take all of that together and one would think he's not some hot guy that stops men and women in their tracks. But he is... it's Lance. He makes it all work. He has this unspoken, unexplainable, intangible Lance thing.

It's irritating and the worse part about it all is he knows it. He knows it and he can turn it on and off. He can turn it on high and he can turn it on low. He can apply just the right amount to judge if he's got someone hooked or not, or he use it to hook someone in. He knows he's charming, he knows he's got charm. He even knows when his charm won't work on someone and what that person may respond too. He's shoved me toward men and women, saying, you're their type - He's always right. I don't know how he does it. He claims it's hit or miss, but I've never seen him miss.

In the classroom that day, as we stood off, fighting for my right to sit in the chair he wanted as a footstool, he turned it on. High. He turned it on, shifted his legs into a more wanton position, leaned back more in his own chair, letting his leather jacket fall open enough for me to see he was wearing very tight black shirt that hid nothing of the lean muscle that was what formed his lankiness. His damn eyes sparked when he knew he had my attention and he licked his bottom lip nice and slow.

I knew then, Lance McClaim could always get me into bed if he wanted to. So I turned around and took the other empty seat in the room. I probably let Hawkins down but what was I supposed to do. I had no attention of seeing Lance McClain in my life as anything again and now I knew that was blown to hell. When he followed me out of class, to my motorcycle without a word and climbed on the back, I didn't even argue.

Then somehow ten months later, Sven and I were bailing him out of jail because he'd started some brawl at some scummy dive bar he liked to go too and we both looked at each other when we realized this guy, Lance McClain was our friend. Our best friend, because neither one us had blinked when he called for the save at 4 in the morning. I don't know how he got to Sven, they had their own dance, a platonic one at that, which always has awed me. The two sexiest guys I know and neither one of them are attracted to the other.

This is another thing, I don't think about things in sexual terms unless I'm thinking about Lance. He has this effect on your brain. And the brawl, the bar brawl and the trying to get you to hit him and the mocking and teasing he does can always cross a line. He pushes people far, and the more loyal you are to him the harder he'll push until he realizes you aren't going to leave him. Sven and I went through a hell of a lot of fights with him, we both nearly walked away on him but we never really could. It was timing, or circumstance but the thing was he was there for us so we were there for him.

And by graduation the three of us were inseparable and somehow we got sent out in the same squadron and made it up the ranks together and were chosen for the same special assignment. Maybe it helped we all excelled in three specific areas, maybe it helped we knew how to work as a team and had already shown that the three of us could get out of tight situations other larger teams couldn't due to circumstance and separation.

I was lost in these thoughts, Lance's sneak attack way of becoming our friend, of always being there for the two of us. Me and Sven. Gorma is saying if Lance doesn't wake up soon his chances of ever waking up become slimmer and slimmer. Sven's doctor's are saying if he doesn't come out of his catatonia soon the chances of him being able to surface from it also become slimmer and slimmer.

Lance accused me of trying to keep Sven because I wanted too. I had wanted to hit Lance in the jaw at that moment, I was remembering that and all the moments that happened like it right before and right after I realized Lance was my best friend. How different it was from the petty fights he used to pick back then, how all the fights we had now were always so real... They were about real things, real situations and they always seemed to be life and death.

Lance was telling me Sven's issues were a life and death situation and I wouldn't listen. I was holding onto a pile of sand too tight. I was thinking about how I lost every grain of sand when I heard Allura say my name and startled. She hadn't spoken to me in days, despite sharing the room and speaking softly to Lance about whatever came to her mind. But mostly begging him to wake up, and I'd silently beg of him the same thing in a quiet echo.

But it was her voice, saying my name and I looked up and it took my eyes a while to focus after staring for so long at Lance and being so deep in my minds eye. I thought for a moment I was seeing double, before I saw the different dresses, the shawl that Romelle was still wearing from her travel, the slight differences in their cheekbones and noses. The different shades of blue of their eyes.

Romelle. The woman, the one human that Sven had been okay with for brief periods of time. She'd had to stop visiting and he'd gotten more taciturn, more of a foreboding quiet calm before a horrible storm. Lance became more adamant in his insistence to me we should allow him to go to Pollux. I kept ignoring him or arguing with him, depending on the time of day, or my mood.

Sven has never told me he wishes to go to Pollux, or that he wishes to be with Romelle. He's not once spoken of Romelle with me, or given me any indication that he loves her. I would be lying, however if I said was blind to the way he spoke of her, when he did speak of her. Usually with Lance, or Allura. He was more himself with her than without her when she was visiting and I saw for myself in logs how much subspace communication time he was using up with her, their had been complaints from Coran and Polluxian's advisor about the late nights and time spent on vital emergency lines.

I know, I knew, I know Sven's heart has a place in for Princess Romelle. I know her own torture and pain at the hands of Lotor and Zarkon, and the circumstances of their meeting has bonded them in a way that... I can't touch.

I know I am jealous. I know I felt guilt and shame at Sven's torture and pain. I know my friend, my dearest Sven came to me and wanted to be back on the team, wanted to be by my side and he wanted a purpose and he wanted to fight again. I gave him back that right because he asked, not because I thought he was ready. The truth is, I ignored all the warning bells in my head telling me he wasn't ready. I ignored and avoided Lance shouting it at me, sounding rational and realistic about it... even as he pushed all the personal buttons he could find about my feelings for Sven.

But those buttons were raw and bleeding, obvious and out there. Lance kept pushing and pushing. He kept telling me to ground Sven and put Allura back in the air, he kept telling me that Romelle was the way for Sven to come back to us. He accused me of being selfish and jealous. I stared at Romelle and wondered, am I jealous of this woman, was I selfishly keeping Sven to myself and from her.

" Romelle is here. She's going to help, Sven. I know you approve of that," Allura's voice was soft, for Lance's ears alone but it carried over to mine and it jolted.

He would. He would approve of Romelle coming here and taking over the care of Sven because he thought he was failing Sven, that I was failing Sven. He kept saying no one here was getting through to Sven.

I finally stood up and acknowledged Romelle. I don't know what she's going to say to me, what she could want to say to me. I think whatever she wants, I will let her have. I hope that it won't be too late for Sven's sake. For Lance's.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"I am taking him home with me, to Pollux. I've talked to our doctors, they understand what he has been through," Romelle didn't waste time. She waylaid with Keith with her goal the second Lance's door closed behind him. "Sven wanted... He wanted to prove something to himself and to you. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be supportive but I never really understood it. I was afraid something like this might happen." She glanced at Lance's door and wiped at her eyes. "I didn't speak a word about my doubts though, I was too frightened he would think I doubted him. I believe in him, I do but this was all too soon. I thought... Why didn't you protect him?"

The words slapped Keith and he looked over the top of Romelle's head. At the wall behind her and he tried to find the words to explain to her that he had been protecting Sven. He thought he'd been protecting Sven. "I thought I was," he said. "He was positive getting back into the swing of things would help him. Getting back to our purpose here, to the oath the five of us swore when we found ourselves on Arus, and met Allura and found out about Voltron. He wanted to protect Arus, protect the Denubian Galaxy, protect Pollux. He was quieter, a bit more reserved but he was Sven. He needed time, yes but he was handling training, we'd all gone up before against robeast since his return. He..." Keith stopped, he wasn't believing the words he was saying. They were the same things he'd repeated over and over to Lance a million times and he knew that in them was a major lie. "It's not true. He wasn't Sven. Not, not the man I knew. The only time I've caught sight of that man is when you were here, or I was up late enough at night to hear him speaking with you in the control room. He's been worse since you've been kept on Pollux, and I..." Keith trailed off because he didn't know how to tell her why he couldn't admit it until now. Until she was staring him in the face with her heart shining out of scared eyes for the man she loved. Keith could see it so clearly, the love Romelle had for Sven, it blazed from her. It was more than anything he'd felt, or ever thought he felt and he knew Sven returned her passion.

He'd known because it was why he'd thought of Romelle as _her_, it was why he'd kept avoiding Lance's advice and Lance's constant pointing out that Sven needed Romelle. It's why he refused to asked Sven himself if he wanted to go Pollux. He wasn't in love Sven anymore, he hadn't been for a long time. He loved Sven, he needed Sven, he loved Sven, more than he should at times. He was possessive, Keith thought, that was what this was... he Keith Kogane was a possessive son of a bitch. Sven had been taken from him, he'd lost his close friend, his old lover, his first love and he'd wanted to keep him. Keep him, like Lance said like he was a toy, a possession. Keith shuddered inwardly and prayed Sven and Romelle could one day forgive him.

He glanced at Lance's door and prayed more fervently that Lance would one day forgive him as well. Keith forced himself to look Romelle in the eyes, his shame, his guilt welled up and he wanted to turn away but he'd face this monster in himself. He had so much to atone for.

"I didn't want to admit I couldn't help him. He and I, we always had each other's backs. We watched out for each other. We've been doing it for a long time, he told me he could handle it and I wanted to see that Sven could handle it. I refused to acknowledge the truth Romelle. I'm sorry. Lance..." Keith stopped short as his voice broke on a sob as he spoke Lance's name. He looked down at his shoes, ran his hand over the beard that was on his face - he'd been at Lance's side for how long now? When would he wake up? "Lance kept telling me to let Sven go to you, I wouldn't listen. This is my fault."

"I'm free to take him home with me then?" Romelle asked.

Keith heard a part of his soul say no, but the rest of him said yes. His heart, his spirit, and his rationality. Sven belonged with Romelle, they'd been to Hell together and come out of it hand in hand stronger together than apart. Lance had been the only one brave enough to say it and that it was his life hanging by thread had Keith's heart in tatters. "Yes. I'll ensure it myself, Romelle. Allura can and will fly Blue Lion," he said, the noble part of him hating to put Arus' only Crown Princess back onto the front lines but she was willing, she was brave and it was the right the choice.

Romelle nodded and looked around. "Where will I find, Dr. Gorma to arrange for Sven's transfer to my shuttle?"

Keith looked around the ICU himself, a glance through the glass window to Lance's room, showing no change and Allura asleep on Lance's arm. He wanted to get back inside but he realized he couldn't. Not with what he'd promised Romelle. He had to speak to the doctors, he had to tell Coran the news and explain to the royal advisor that it was how it was, Allura had to fly the Blue Lion. He should see Sven.

"Give me one moment, and I'll walk you to Dr. Gorma's office, Romelle," Keith said. Then he opened the door to Lance's room and walked over to the bed, he sat down in his chair and pulled it back into position. He leaned over Lance, he wanted to touch him as freely as Allura felt she could, yet he felt tainted. He was too ashamed, he was to blame for this, he didn't have the right. Keith looked at Lance's own unshaven face. He tried to remember a specific time he'd kissed Lance's jawline and found he couldn't, yet he knew he'd done it over a dozen times.

_I've taken you for granted, way to many times, Lance. Not anymore. I promise. I, have to go do what I should have done in the first place. I'm letting Sven go where he should be, with Romelle. To Pollux. I'll be back._

Keith knew Lance couldn't hear his thoughts, he didn't know why he bothered but it made him feel better. He stood back up and walked out of the room, closing the door carefully so he wouldn't wake the sleeping Princess.

~~.~~

**Keith**

To make it short. Romelle took Sven to Pollux today. It caused a fight with Coran that was pointless. I think Coran realized it mid-fight, because Sven can't fight right now as it is, he isn't healing here anymore. Coran realized he had to face that Allura would once again become a soldier. He once again demanded my promise to protect her live at all costs and I once again found it impossible not to swear to protect Allura with my own. Allura is young, vibrant, strong and this planet's hope. Not only by being their Crown Princess but because of who she is. Despite all she has lost she remains hopeful. She is full of faith - though daily as she sits by Lance I've been seeing it tested. Yet, she holds his hand, she squeezes it and she speaks to him with the belief he can hear her. She hasn't given up on him opening his eyes.

My promise reaffirmed to give my life for Allura's, to Coran's, I finally made my way to Sven's room. I had left Romelle to make the arrangements with his doctors for his transfer to her shuttle. She had already settled everything for his stay in her own Castle on Pollux, with care of the doctor's there. The truth, the true soul of the matter is that she'll be his medicine.

All that was left was for me to say goodbye. Pidge and Hunk were in the room when I got there, I knew they visited Sven everyday before they came to see Lance. Hunk was hugging Romelle in the all encompassing way you fear may suffocate you, or at least I do, when he grabs me into his hold and lifts me off my feet. Pidge was in front of Sven, holding a listless hand.

I had been avoiding this room. It's true I didn't want to leave Lance, something in me needs to stay with him, I can't leave him. I hated not being in his room the entire I was gone today, fearing I might miss some sign he was going to wake up. Afraid I might miss his eyes blinking open. I needed to watch Lance's chest move, see his lids twitch and know he was dreaming.

Sven was awake but his eyes were dull. Sven was sitting but he wasn't really in the chair. The sight made it impossible for me to avoid the truth that had been in front of me since the day he returned to us. Since the day he asked me to help reinstate him on the Force and I had stupidly said yes because I had put my wishes head of what was true.

I'd thought he and I had gotten another chance to be together, to work together, to be teammates and to save Arus from Doom. I thought we'd get to be Sven, Keith and Lance again. The unlikely threesome of friendship that had formed between us so long ago, the craziness that worked out in the field of battle and made all of us better fighters, better soldiers. Better strategists, we could bounce off of each other and Lance's out of the box thinking would hone in, my more precise thinking would grow out and Sven's way of seeing all the angles could put it all together.

Sven wasn't seeing any angles in that chair. There was no big picture in his mind, there was no picture there. He wasn't seeing anything and as I listened to Pidge tell him that he'd miss him but that he'd see him soon, I turned around and walked away.

I don't want to look into the emptiness, I don't want to only see gray eyes. I took a writing class once, out of boredom, I had run out of electives to choose and I didn't want another free period. So I chose the creative elective and the teacher and a few of the other writer's in the room were always talking about how eyes, couldn't be sharp, or wise, or full of passion, that they didn't go round with fear, or pop out of people's faces... That they can't really hold all those little details that we humans place upon them and that writing those expressions is tricky.

I thought they were over thinking it, me who according to Lance over thinks everything. I haven't thought about it since then but it's on my mind now. Because all I know for sure is I cannot look into Sven's eyes until there is more there than the color of gray.

I want to see his sharp wit, his extreme intelligence. I want to know his mind his working, always thinking. I want to see him roll his eyes, when Lance says something stupid -

Lance. I ran back to the room when I made the decision to walk away from Sven's room, to not say goodbye to whatever it was that there in place of Sven while he fought to come back to us. I pray he's fighting to come back to us. I ran back to Lance, I'd been gone too long, I needed to reassure myself he was still breathing.

I made too much noise when I clamored into the room, Allura shot awake. Her face directed at the door and she gave me a sleepy look of concern but said nothing. I realized I should let her know what was happening with Sven and Romelle. "Uh, Romelle is taking Sven to Pollux, they leave soon," I remembered the key to blue lion was in my pocket, I'd taken it from Coran to give back to her permanently. I pulled it out and held out it.

Allura stood up, she wavered where she was for a moment looking at Lance, then at my hand, then the door. She sighed, walked over to me and took the key. "Thank you," she said. "I'm coming back," she added and she walked out of the door.

I had expected her to return, she only left at night when Nanny came in and forced her to leave. I think she'd live here as I do if she could. I don't know when or how Lance got under her skin, or how deeply he burrowed under. With Allura it is hard to tell, she feels deeply in such an innocent way. It worries me, given who Lance is and how attracted I know he is to Allura and how different it is to his other attractions.

Allura is in a class of her own, however, maybe it's as simple as that... she's different to him because she's different. Unique, and special. She's special to me as well, in ways I've not figured out and have been purposely avoiding. One because she's still so young, she turned eighteen in two months; there are times when she feels years older and yet times when she feels years younger. Her life has been so sheltered and in complete contrast filled with blood and loss.

I wonder sometimes at how she smiles with such ease.

I slip back into my chair and I let me hand hover over Lance's bare chest. His body heat waved against the skin of palm, I watched it raise and fall and counted the breaths to ease my mind. He was breathing, on his own, he was here in this room with me. Lance was alive, he'd stay alive because Lance didn't give up anything without a fight.

A wound to his stomach, losing so much blood, pushing himself to hard to make sure none of the rest of us died in the battle... that wasn't going to take him out. No, he'd rather die in some suicide run in a no win battle situation trying to change the tide to a win. He'd told me that more than once. His dream death, going out on in blaze of heroic crazy glory.

What he'd done this time around, it wasn't good enough even it'd been damn heroic as it was stupid. Flying the way he had with a hole in his stomach, not telling any of us how hurt he'd been from when Sven crashed Red.

All. My. Fault.

My hand was wavering, wanting to touch him, touch his skin, so I pulled it away and boughed my head and wished I knew how to open my mouth and just say words. Lance could do that, Allura knew how but it wasn't something I was blessed with. So, I sat and wished for his eyes to open and for him to croak out something about how awesome he is.

~~.~~

**Allura**

I fell asleep a second time, after saying goodbye to Romelle, and telling her I had a faith that with her care and her love that Sven would find his way to himself and to her. I hope he will also find his way back to Keith and Lance. They both need him, watching the three of them while Sven was walking around broken was heartbreaking to see.

But this isn't to be a heartbreaking entry, it's to be a wonderful one because the best thing that could happen, happened today. Lance woke up, he woke up and he locked his eyes with mine and he asked me why I looked so sad.

I was asleep, like I explained. I haven't been sleeping well, being made to come back her and leave him. I keep thinking about him in that room, all the wires monitoring his life signs, all the doctors saying the longer he's out the worse of a sign it is.

I kept trying to ignore it, I kept telling myself he is healing, he is resting... he was exhausted emotionally and for all I knew physically before the accident. He was arguing with Keith everyday and I knew it was about Sven. They both thought they were doing the right thing and Arusian Gods, why did Lance have to be proven right by falling in a battle? He has a battle still, an uphill climb before they'll let him out of the bed, out of the ICU. He fell back asleep so quickly, but he'd woken up and I saw a spark of life come back into Keith's eyes as well.

His hand moved in my hair, it's what woke me, I felt hair fall against my cheek, movement that shouldn't be there. A press against my scalp and I lifted my head up and realized Lance had his hand in my hair and my eyes widened. He was looking right at me and he opened his mouth, closed it and then licked his lips and opened it again. "Why do you look so sad?" he asked, his voice was so low, rough and I heard Keith gasp at the sound of Lance's voice.

"You're hurt," I told him.

"That would explain why I feel like Voltron stepped on me," he muttered, and he seemed to try to move.

Keith touched him for the first time since the accident then, hands lightly on Lance's shoulders. "Don't move, your stomach was shredded you'll bust the stitches," he ordered. "Allura get Gorma," he said.

I slowly sat up fully, Lance's hand fell off my head as I rose off his chest. I let go of his other hand the one that was tight in my grip He looked at me again and he shook his head. "Gripping me pretty tight there, Allura."

I blushed, fresh out of a coma and he was already making things sound shameful. I held his gaze those, noticing he was fighting to keep his eyes open. "I wanted you to know you weren't alone," I explained. "I won't be gone long, I promise," I added, as I turned to go find Dr. Gorma and tell him his patient was awake.

"Keith, man, you look worse than I fucking feel," I heard Lance say as I left the room.

Keith laughed. It was low and it wasn't as cheery as his real laugh but it was the first laugh I'd heard since Sven's return. It dawned on me then that Keith hadn't laughed or smiled since before the accident, and he's been worse since Lance's fall. Sven and his situation was important to Keith in a way I hadn't understood, and I may never. But maybe now he'll sleep in his own bed, get some real food in his stomach and start taking care of himself. Maybe he'll forgive himself for Lance. I don't think Lance will blame him at all for the accident.

I need to apologize to him myself, I never should have blamed himself. It was wrong of me and I know it. Sven is his friend and they were all, the four of them trying to make the best of a horrible situation. They were trying to support their friend, the best they knew how especially Lance and Keith - and they disagreed about how. They disagree a lot, except when they agree completely. It's something I've noticed about Lance and Keith. They are either in perfect sync or in complete discord.

I find myself unable to sleep again but this time it is because Lance has been awake. He's squeezed my hand back when I've squeezed his. He asked me if I'd be there again tomorrow and I promised I would be. I wouldn't be anywhere else. Gorma, said Lance has along way to go but now that is out of the coma he's on his way to a full recovery. I want to go back to his room, in case he wakes up again during the night but I know Nanny has stationed guards between there and here to inform on me if I try. It might be worth the risk, maybe she'll allow me to stay because of the happy news. Nanny's a softy at heart. But the thing is I know Keith is there, he won't leave him so soon, I'm sure.

I think I should give those two time alone.


	6. Chapter 6

Six

**Lance**

I'll probably say it eventually. _I told you so, Keith_. Hell, knows when I'm right I tend to gloat. Doesn't seem to come around that often that I'm on the nose, bullseye right, you know. I like to bang my chest and crow when it happens, boast at bit, gloat, and grin. If anything it gets me laid. Not that I have issues with that...

I know how get myself laid.

But back to Keith, I can't do it. Not when he's a walking around with with Sven and Me sitting on his shoulders, slapping him in the ass with a lash. And I don't mean that in the kinky fun way, you know. Keith's punishing himself, blaming himself and hell, my voice is probably in his head on a loop. I said more than once something like this could happen, I have to say though I didn't think it would be me. Hell, I thought it be Keith in the ICU.

Sven would crash, he'd be messy in a fight and he'd go down and Keith would go down after him, run into fire or something to save Sven's ass, or fly into danger that even I would heistate on because Sven miscalculated during a battle. Sven's been making tiny slips, each battle, little ones - no one else would notice but me and Keith. Keith refused to note them even when I shouted them into Keith's face.

He loved Sven once, I mean I know he got over him but I guess what they say is true. You don't get over that first love. Not really - hell if I know. I don't know if I have first love, hell for all I know it could be Keith. Or, Allura... but that's another topic all on it's own, isn't it?

I remember what happened, we used Keith's new formation the damn robeast was tailor made for it, and it would have worked, for maxium damage on the damn pig faced mother fucker if Sven hadn't shot off all his weapons early. I don't know what happened in the cockpit of Blue Lion, I only care as in I'm afraid for the guy - He's my friend, he was rock steady, in some ways he's always been more steady and reliable than even Keith for me. He's Sven and I could talk to him about anything and everything and not worry about any sexual bullshit getting in the way. He was immune to my charms, hell I was immune to his too. It was nice. I guess if anything he's my real best friend. I say it's Keith, but can it be Keith when he and I have been fucking on and off for - shit, I don't want to add up the years, make me feel old and I ain't even pushing thirty. We were barely seventeen when met, but damn that was a great first night. Never thought the guy still be in my life, much less so important.

Sven though, once he and I connected it made sense to me to count on him as a buddy, a friend, someone to just drink with and talk about girls, hockey, and nothing. We spent hours doing it when Keith would be studying, his nose stuck in a book, and we watched crap ass action films and go out seeing which one of us could get a girls number first.

It's how I knew he was in love with Romelle. I'd heard about all his crushes all through the Academy; he never dared talk about them except in passing to Keith out of respect. But I heard all the details, all the little things about them that drove him crazy, that he hated, that he loved. I knew the varying degrees. I knew his first love, and I know why it all fell apart. It was then he got why Keith took their falling out so hard, why it took him so long to be okay with it - Sven would look at me for months after that break up and go: How can Keith be friends with me after all of that? I couldn't do it? I can't see her again. I see her with another man, I'd kill them both.

Knowing the guy, I can see it. I told him Keith didn't want to let him go so he held on and ended up keeping him in his life as a friend. It wasn't deep it, it just was. Hell, I've remained friends with plenty of the people I've slept with. Men and women, the sex stops but we all still get along. Though, I guess if you were never in love with them the situation might be different...

What do I know?

The thing is Keith, I thought he'd get himself killed trying to hold on to Sven, again. To keep around because he didn't want to let him go. Because Keith takes failure seriously and I knew he felt he'd failed Sven when Sven got injured. Didn't matter I was the one who ran off after the cat, I was the one who Haggar attacked in the first place...

Fuck. Sven came in to protect me and his entire life was upended while I was gone to get Keith. A lot of this, is my fault. I wake up still from nightmares of that day. How stupid we all were to have our guard so down, how dumb I was to run after that cat, to leave Sven alone with that witch. His blood on my hands, so much of it seeping into the dirt.

He's physically fine, he healed but he ended up on Doom, alone, hiding in the dark, and the psychological damage, where his head has gone. I don't... He wasn't Sven, you couldn't hold a conversation with him. He didn't look between me and Keith cut our bullshit down to size. He didn't once look at me and actually tell me he was in love with Romelle, or anything about her. I just knew from knowing him - and eavesdropping. It was the only time his damn voice sounded right, well as right as that damn accent of his can sound.

I'd sit outside control and listen to him talk to her, to hear him sound like Sven for twenty minutes, hell it was wrong and intrusive but it was the only time my friend was close to okay. It wasn't enough. So I kept yelling at Keith and Keith just got more rigid in his own stance and I couldn't get to him back down, to see reason and maybe I should've known better...

But hell I was scared. For Sven, afraid Keith would hurt himself by holding on too tight. IN a way I'm glad I'm the one who got shot down except for the damn fact Keith's punishing himself for me and Sven now.

His eyes are darker than dark, he looks like he's barely slept, he's not eating much, I can tell. He's in my room more than he's anywhere else in the Castle but he barely talks to me, not that I'm awake much. I can't seem to stay awake to long, hell my eyes are already fighting me and I just picked up the pen what fifteen minutes ago?

I gotta get out of this bed, I need to get into physical therapy, get my strength back up. Back into Red Lion. I'm going stir crazy here, the only bright spot is Allura. She comes in with movies, when she gets a chance. Cards, games, she tells me all the Castle gossip, and I could just lay here and stare at her all day. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and it's not... It's her. I don't know what she does to me.

But it's not enough to distract me from Keith, on the other side of the bed, making sure I don't strain myself too much when she's around. That I eat enough when he's eating barely anything himself and I can't nag him in front of Allura. She yells at him but he ignores her, I can tell it pisses her off. Those blue eyes of hers can storm, I tell you. She usually leaves after having yelled at him four times...

I think it's so she won't cross some Princess line she believes she can't cross - Propietry or whatever. I wonder what kind of girl she'd be if she hadn't been bred to be so damn proper, sometimes. I see fire in her. I want light it up.

Keith orders me to not even entertain that thought, even now, when he's self-punishing himself over me being in the ICU, when he sees my eyes on her retreating eyes he mumbles. "Stop thinking it, McClain."

I guess it's wrong but hell, she's amazing...Where was I? Yeah, the idiot leader of our team.

I want to shake him but hell I don't have the strength back yet. Gorma says I'm getting there, he said in another week we'll start physical therapy and move me out of the ICU. I say thank god, but it's not fast enough. Keith looked relieved but impatient too as Gorma was talking, then he sat back down in that chair and glanced at me, his hand coming up then falling down.

He wants something he's not saying, or wants to do something he's not doing. I need to talk with him, but the thing is I'm not that great at talking with a person. At them sure, talking them into something, great. With them? I don't know but I got him to hear me say I don't blame him. I got say to him that I don't think he was wrong for wanting to help Sven, it was all I was trying to do too. We both wanted to do what was right... And hell, I do want to tell him I told you so... on how Sven screwed up but I doubt I will. At least not until I'm back flying, I don't think he can stand to hear it until then. I don't think I could stand to see the look in his eyes might be if I said it now - I feel like Keith may be near a breaking point.

And Hell. Arus needs him whole. I need him whole and I think I'm the only one who can make sure he gets back to it. Being Keith, the man he's supposed to be, not the guy punishing himself by my bed. I just...fuck. How the hell do I do it?

~~.~~

Keith watched Allura leave. He knew he had no reason to stay in Lance's room, Lance was asleep and Keith had paperwork to do; training exercise recordings with Hunk and Pidge he should review but he didn't want to leave. He looked at Lance, now that he'd awoken from the coma his sleep seemed much more restful. There was a peace on his face that hadn't been there before, Keith hoped it meant Lance was in far less pain. He hadn't complained about being stomped on by Voltron in the last three days.

Lance's hair needed to be cut, he'd been in the ICU almost a month and Lance kept his hair a certain length. His bangs were getting unruly and were over his eyes now as he slept. Keith wanted to reach out and push them out of the way, his hand came up but hovered. He couldn't do it, in fact the only time he seemed to be able to touch Lance was when he felt Lance was about to try to jump out of the bed. The damn man had tried to do so over five times already, impatient, tired of being stuck in bed, wanting to try to walk, and wanting to not pee through a tube. Keith couldn't bring himself to do it his guilt screaming at him that he had no right. He started to move his hand away, only to have Lance's right hand snap up and grab his wrist.

"Fooled you," Lance said a cheeky grin on his face.

Keith rolled his eyes and used all his training to hide his reaction to feeling Lance's calloused palm, hot against the skin of his right wrist. "Why were you pretending to be asleep?"

"So you'd almost touch me," Lance said, keeping his hold on Keith, but carefully moving himself up into a less slumped sitting position then he'd fallen into during Allura's visit. "Been trying to figure out a way to get you stop, stopping yourself. Figured, I'd just make you do it," Lance said. He took Keith's hand and pressed it against his chest. Lance was wearing an old academy shirt of his that still fit his lanky form, of course, thought it was tighter across his chest in a way that wasn't bad on Keith's eyes at all. Keith closed his eyes as his palm hit the cotton and under the threadbare cotton he felt heat and Lance's pounding heartbeat.

"Feel that. Alive."

Keith blinked and tears fell. "You..." he opened them and glared at Lance. "You had rip in your stomach from being rammed against the steering controls in the crash Lance. Why didn't you tell us you were too hurt to fly?"

"Uh, big giant Robeast, we needed to form Voltron. I was holding it togther all right. And I knew if I passed out while we formed you'd be able to handle things from Black."

"Then why after we won, and separated did you still not say a thing?"

"Uh, cause I was about too when I passed out. I kind of misjudged my timing on that," Lance shrugged. "But hey it worked out. Where did I crash, I tried to aim for the lake just before the spots took completely over."

Keith rolled his eyes.

"Fuck yeah, I landed in the lake. I rule! Otherwise I would have crashed in the volcano. Getting to me would've been a bitch."

Keith shivered at the thought, all the lions could go into the water for a fairly long period of time. None of them could handle the temperature of lava for over a minute except for Red Lion. He pressed his palm more firmly against Lance's heart since Lance had his hand trapped there. "I..." he started.

"You apologize for something that was beyond your control, stuck in this bed or not, I'm going to kick your ass!"

"You..."

"What, you don't think I could kick your ass?" Lance asked, challenging Keith to dare tell him what he really thought on the subject.

Keith sighed, rolled his eyes and found himself laughing. "We always end up in fucking draw, I don't know how you do it. I should be able to kick your ass in a matter of seconds. You have no form."

"I've got panache."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I call it charm."

Keith shook his head. "Lance, you were right all along."

Lance shrugged. "He's with Romelle right?"

Keith nodded. "I, she showed up right after the accident. She flew over here against the wishes of her brother, her advisors. She it all set up with the Polluxian doctors, she wanted him with her. I... I let her take him, I kept hearing you in my head, I couldn't stop hearing you in my head. I fucking hate it when you're right."

"You were right too," Lance said, low and quiet.

"What?" Keith stared at Lance, into eyes that were brown and green at the moment and shook his head in shock. "How, how did i do anything right for Sven?"

"You listened to what he wanted. He asked to come back here, to be with us. He wanted to try, you gave him that chance. Maybe it was a dumb move...but Keith you stood by him when I wasn't, when no one else would've. It meant something, trust me."

Keith looked away and stared at the wall. Lance's heartbeat was still throbbing against his palm, a healthy steady count that Keith could close his eyes and let himself get lost in for a moment. He turned back and met Lance's gaze. "You don't blame me?" he whispered.

"Hell, no," Lance said. "I'm glad it wasn't you. I thought...I thought it be you. When I was shouting that someone was going to get hurt, I thought it'd be you and Sven. Not me and him. I'm..." Lance looked away this time. "I'm glad it wasn't you."

Keith was shocked, that was insanity. He shook his head and leaned forward, his left hand touching Lance's right cheek. Lance had shaved earlier in the morning but it was late at night now, a slight stubble had formed and it felt bristly but right against Keith's hand. Lance should be a bit coarse he thought, idly. "I would rather it had been me," he said.

"You're an idiot."

"You're the one happy it was you."

"Hell, no. I didn't say I was happy it was me. I just said I was glad it wasn't you. I much rather it'd been Hunk or Pidge." Lance winked.

It sounded sincere Lance had a way of making the crap that came out of his mouth sound true but Keith knew it was lie. Lance would put himself back in a coma before letting anyone else get hurt. Keith laughed and before he even thought about not doing it he was kissing Lance.

Lance kissed him back full throttle. The hand trapping Keith's at his heart moved to the back of Keith's head, into his hair and pushed him more into Lance's mouth. Lance's tongue dove down his throat, Keith groaned and then sucked his whole mouth around it, sucking on Lance's tongue for full ten seconds before freeing it. Lance grinned as they broke apart for breath for a second and then were kissing again, Keith climbing onto the bed, his hands suddenly everywhere, pushing at Lance's shirt, trying to get it off. It wasn't until Lance let out an involuntarily moan of pain rather than pleasure that Keith moved back, met Lance's eyes and they both sighed.

Lance brought up his own hands and carefully pulled his shirt back down over his chest and stomach where the bandage covering the forty-two fine stitches to the left to the left of his stomach. An almost straight vertical slash through his abdominals that led down further, Keith though stopped Lance's hands and peered at it. He had to make sure they hadn't pulled the stitches or done any harm.

"That was stupid," Keith muttered.

"I'm happy to know my cock still works," Lance said grinning from ear to ear. "When I'm back in shape, man, you owe me."

Keith grinned, leaned forward and kissed Lance's mouth one more time in quick kiss. "I promise," he said. "Um, I'm going take off, I have some things I should do."

"Good. Eat something will you and go to bed before midnight too, cause really man, I only made out with you cause I know you're a hot. But for real, you look like shit."

Keith frowned, touched his air and shook his head. "Get some sleep, maybe you'll wake up with a better personality."

"You think I'm awesome."

"Whatever," Keith said, looking back before leaving the room to watch Lance settle down into a comfortable sleeping position. He didn't know how his friend had done it, how Lance had managed it but he'd taken a weight off of Keith's shoulders with one short conversation. He remembered the promise he'd made to Lance before he woke up not to take him for granted any longer. Keith promised himself again that he wasn't going to take Lance for granted, as he turned off the light in the room and left it for the first time since Lance woke up before one in the morning.


	7. Chapter 7

Seven

Lance had been out of the ICU for almost a week and in physical therapy for almost two weeks. Dr. Gorma had allowed him to go back to his own room but he was off duty and ordered to be resting when he wasn't with his physical therapist. Allura knew Lance felt even more stir crazy then when he first woke up. Physical therapy seemed to be helping, he'd brightened up the second it was mentioned he was cleared to start working on rebuilding the core muscles that the accident had ripped from him. Allura didn't envy him the task, his stomach had been ripped open, the bruising had faded leaving a lobster pink scar that streaked down his stomach. It looked like it throbbed with pain to her whenever she caught a glimpse of it. She knew it was still healing, that it would fade but it always be there reminding him and the rest of them of how they almost lost them. It made her feel vulnerable, she couldn't begin to wonder how it made Lance feel. He was always confident and never afraid, she didn't think he was afraid of anything. She'd seen him run into fires that made Keith hesitate, fly at top speed into explosions had the rest of the team moving back. She found herself hoping the scar might remind him he wasn't unbreakable, to be more careful. Allura knew it was hopeful wish however, because they'd been attacked twice since Lance woke up. The first time Gorma and his team had had to sedate him and strap him down to the bed to keep him in the ICU. He'd ripped out his stitches trying to get to Red Lion.

Lance had shouted at Keith that he'd do the same thing. Keith had shouted back that it didn't matter what he did, Lance wasn't going to make his recovery take longer. Allura understood but she'd been so angry at him all she could do was cry. He'd ended up hugging her and promising to behave and the second time it happened she'd been with him when the alarms went off. His expression went dark, grim and eyes flashed with impatience and he grabbed her hand before he let he run off to get to her lion. She'd thought he'd say something to her, it looked like he wanted too but instead he just shook his head, dropped her hand and grabbed hold of the bedsheets with a white knuckle grip. "I'm trying to stay put." Is what she heard as she ran out the door. He'd been in the control room when the four of them came in, in a wheel chair with a nurse, Keith took it as progress in his growth as a human. At least that is what Allura had heard him say to Lance. Sometimes she didn't understand how they spoke to each other, but Lance had laughed.

The case was she knew Lance wanted on his feet, so he could get back in the air and make them a full team again. He hated leaving them short, and he hated not being able to fly. She caught him looking out the window watching birds fly. Sometimes she catches him at a window with an expression on his face she can't read, staring up at the sky and she knows he wants to be up there. Allure felt like Lance missed the sky, as if he was piece of it and he needed to be up there flying fast.

As she turned the corner to go to his room like she'd been since he started his PT, she frowned as she saw Harry his physical therapist walk out of Lance's door. Usually they were laughing together, both of them talking so much Allura never could figure out what they talked about. Harry spotted her and shook his head as he slowed to a stop before her.

"Princess, I would tread carefully today. He stopped talking to me halfway through our a session today."

"I don't understand?" Allura said.

"He's impatient. He was in excellent shape before the crash, Princess. Now he's not. He feels like he should be further along in his progress then he is and he's mad it's still as hard as it was last week."

Allura nodded her understanding.

"Good luck. He's in quite a mood, never seen such a one-eighty in my life."

Allura paused at Lance's door before she hit the button to open it. She'd been walking right in, he'd told her too, knowing she'd be coming to see him after his PT. He'd been the one to invite her to visit him afterwards, knowing he'd be bored having to sit and rest and he'd like the company. She wanted to help him through this, and so far it'd been easy. He'd been Lance since opening his eyes, nothing at all like the damage they'd seen that Sven's accident and consequent imprisonment had created. She couldn't imagine Lance so broken but he was grounded, she'd seen him fight against it already to bad results.

She hit the chime on the door instead of walking in and waited. It felt as more than mere seconds went by but the door finally slid open and Lance stood there in front of her. Wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants, holding a shirt in his hand. "Hey. I forgot you were coming, sorry," he mumbled and turned around, tossing the shirt into a hamper.

Allura stepped into the room, with Lance's back to her her eyes landed on his tattoo. She rolled them and told herself now was not the time. He was upset, she'd never heard him mumble before until this moment. It wasn't like him to forget they had a standing engagement either, she thought. "I saw Harry."

"Did he tell you I'm being stupid and impatient," Lance asked, turning back around to face her.

Allura tried to make eye contact only her eyes dove right to the scar. It looked brighter pink than she remembered from her glimpses of it in his hospital room. Possibly from the exertion and exercise, and it was longer than she had realized. The scar streaked down the whole left side of his abdominals, not stopping she realized until somewhere hidden behind his sweatpants. She felt her cheeks heat up at the thought and forced her eyes up but she couldn't look him in the eye now and she couldn't leave him when he was upset.

"He, he said you were impatient because you were such great shape..."

"Yeah, he gave you the same speech he gave me. He said I need to be patient and it will come. I just... I thought this be easier, I'm only twenty-five here, not like I'm old. I wasn't out of shape in the fucking first place...he says that's my problem. How the fuck is that a problem?"

"I guess it's what makes you impatient," Allura guessed, because she didn't know. "What is..what is it you think you should be able to do?"

"More than a few pounds of weights, and a hell of a lot more than fifteen minutes of cardio without feeling like I'm going to pass out. It's the second week, Allura. I gave myself a pass last week, this week I should have more stamina. Fuck, I'm known for my stamina," he sat down on his bed.

Allura felt her cheeks heat up more at his last statement and she shook her head. She wanted to say something to make him feel better. She'd never seen him sound dejected before, he always when speaking with her had on a happy face and tone. Frowning she thought about all the fighting he and Keith had been doing about Sven, how worried Lance obviously had been. Yet whenever he'd been with her there had been no sign of it. He'd hid it from her, hadn't he? She didn't like that. At least she was seeing his real feelings now, even if she didn't know what to say.

"I don't know what to say," she said into the silence, forcing herself to finally find Lance's eyes.

When their gazes locked she felt pinned in place by the way he was looking at her from his perch on his bed. He looked vulnerable, angry and something else she couldn't read at all. She reached for it with her intuition but either she couldn't grasp it or it couldn't be grasped.

Making a decision she walked over and sat down next to him on the bed. It was still summer and she was wearing a sundress and she sat close her enough her bare arm grazed against his. His skin was hot, she felt it hot against the skin of her arm and slide into her and reach her cheeks and neck. She refused to let down Lance because a part of her wanted to runaway from him when he got to her like this. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, figuring that was a logical first step.

"No," Lance said. "No, I just want back on the team."

"You aren't off the team," Allura argued with his choice of words. "You're off duty due to medical needs not off the team."

Lance shook his head, then lowered it into his hands, pressing his arm more firmly against hers. She shivered at the touch, his skin was like fire and she started to wonder if he had a temperature. She didn't need a gut feeling to tell not to bring up the concern however because he'd begged Gorma to let him out of the medical wing.

"Um," Allura said instead feeling out of her depth but she couldn't walk away.

"Allura, you don't have to make me feel better, it's not like it's possible."

"I refuse to believe that," Allura countered and she stood up again. She positioned herself right in front of him. His legs were apart enough that she could place herself between them and she put her hands on his shoulders, which forced him to look back up at her. His hands falling onto his thighs. "Lance, come on there has to be something I can do make you feel better. Name it," she said, giving him her brightest most encouraging smile.

"Allura," Lance said as his eyes darkened and his voice had a sudden odd low strangled tone to it.

"Yes?" she asked hoping he'd decided they should take a slow walk, or watch a movie, or something like they usually did after his physical therapy. Act normal, that was a great idea, if he didn't mention something like that she would - why had it taken her so long to think of it?

"Allura," Lance repeated her name, taking hold of her hands and taking them off his shoulders. Get out of here," he barked, dropping her hands abruptly.

"What?" Allura started, not expecting that at all. "But, we could.."

"No, we can't...we... no... out," Lance moved quickly across the room. Allura saw the pain create lines on his face she'd never seen before and she winced in sympathy and followed him to the door.

"But," she said, trying to get out they could watch a movie but he shook his head and gave her a hard look that seemed like anger but why would he be anrgy with her. His actions were starting to hurt her feelings. It was the hurt that made her step outside of his room when he opened the door. Lance gave her one last look and his eyes softened. Allura started to reach out to him., wanting to take his hand and ask him what was wrong but he shook his head.

"Maybe tomorrow we'll hang out again, okay, bye," he said so swiftly the words bleed together and Allura barely understood. She stood there trying to process what had happened for minutes afterward.

"Allura?" Keith's voice started her and she turned toward him, looking up into his warm dark eyes.

"Hi," she smiled because it was always good to see Keith.

"Why you standing outside Lance's door."

"I think, I think he threw me out," Allura said with a frown. "I'm not really sure what happened. He had a bad day in PT."

"Did he hurt himself?" Keith asked, sounding immediately concerned.

"No. Harry told me it was that he's impatient he isn't further along in his progress."

Keith sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Oh. That. Yeah, I was afraid of that."

"You were expecting it to happened?" Allura asked.

"Yeah, it happened to me after Lotor nearly cut me in half. I had to rebuild my core too. I thought since I had had such a great work out before hand, with my Tai Chi and martial arts background PT would be a piece of cake. I was wrong and I was impatient. When I was working out like someone who never worked out before in the second week, I felt like a failure."

Allura shook her head at her Commander. "I think you are always too hard on yourself. You've never failed us, Keith. You never could," she went up on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Please talk to him, he's very mercurial. One minute we were talking then he threw me out."

Keith frowned his expression growing serious. "Wait, he really threw you out, I thought you were joking because he was so grouchy you left him alone."

Allura shook her head, ending with a concerned glance at the door. "No, no joke."

Keith ran his hand through his hair again and sighed. "I'll check on him."

"I should go work on my Arusian History. I'll see you at dinner, Keith," Allura said and she walked off. Leaving Keith where she had been staring at Lance's door. She hoped Keith could help Lance where she hadn't been able to reach through his bad mood.

~~.~~

Keith opened Lance's door. His jaw dropped open. He tripped rather than walked into the room, and quickly shut the door and behind him. "Lance, what the fuck?"

Lance opened his eyes from where he lay on his bed, naked, sliding his right hand up and down his cock and huffed. "Uh, you walked into my room, Keith."

"Allura was out there, she could've walked back in," Keith yelled.

"You really think I didn't know that part," Lance said his voice breaking on a moan as he twisted his wrist at the tip of his cock.

"You were..." Keith stuttered to a stop, his brain processing the fact that Lance was purposely jerking off knowing Allura could've walked back into his room at any second. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I thought enough to get her away from me," Lance yelled back. He sighed and let go of his what Keith his erection. "Are you going to stand there, lecture and watch, leave or help me out?" Lance asked, eyes locked on Keith.

Keith felt strange suddenly. He'd helped Lance out in similar situations about Allura before, Lance had done the same for him because he was human and Allura was beautiful and they were men. They'd done it at the Academy for each other over a million other girls and for Keith he'd run to Lance hard and horny about Sven how many times? This wasn't new, this was the arrangement. Yet Keith felt a sudden dislike for it, a rush of emotion that could only be described as not liking the idea of taking care Lance, when the arousal wasn't about him. Possessiveness rushed as the emotion found the right words, reminding him of the mess he'd made with Sven and he felt anger at himself. He couldn't, shouldn't let himself get possessive of someone else, that wouldn't, couldn't end well.

"Keith?" Lance asked, looking at him with begging, intense and needy eyes. "Mouth on cock now, please, man? I'll really beg for this if you want?"

"Are you even allowed too..."

"I'm I..." Lance trailed off and rolled his eyes. Then he fumbled with his left hand on his night stand until he found a piece of paper, he crunch it into a ball with his hand and tossed it to Keith. "Since you won't believe me if I just say it."

Keith unfolded the paper and saw it was list of things he could and couldn't do from Gorma. He glanced at the don't list. Gorma had written on it by hand in printed but messy scrawl, _Lance, it is on the list, but I am stressing this with you. No sexual penetration of the anal or vaginal kind until I clear you for flight status. You can however masturbate and fellatio is allowed._

"I am appalled that Dr. Gorma knows so much about your sexual proclivities."

"Whatever Keith, it isn't going to hurt my health, and it's not going away on it's own," Lance pointed out and he lazily started to stroke himself again. Keith couldn't take his eyes off of Lance's long fingers, wrapped around himself, moving up and down almost nonchalantly, contradicting all his words of how badly he wanted release.

Keith hit the lock on Lance's door because he wasn't risking anyone deciding to walk in them, even if that thought apparently turned on Lance - of course a thought like that turned on Lance - he shook his head as he crawled onto the bed. Climbing over Lance, hovering over him and meeting his eyes. "What the hell happened?" he asked because that is what they asked when we they went to each other about other people. This time though Keith realized he didn't want know, he didn't want to know at all.

"She stood right in front of me, in that fucking tiny dress that is painted on her curves, put her hands on my shoulders and said she'd do whatever I wanted to cheer me up, Keith," Lance bit out. Keith laughed, because he had too it was rather funny when he thought about it. Allura asking her sweet innocent question and Lance making it into a moment out of a pornography. It made him feel better about hearing it, anyway and he reached down and replaced Lance's hand with his own and went in for quick kiss.

He didn't have to kiss Lance, he was only here to get him off, they couldn't do anything past that anyway and Keith wasn't even sure if Lance had had such bad day at PT he should be doing this. Yet he couldn't stop himself from saying yes to Lance, especially right now and his only wish was he'd been the one who'd turned Lance on. Keith thrust his tongue into Lance's mouth, harder and more forcefully than usual Lance responded enthusiastically and it was a hard, fast and messy kiss. Soon enough though Keith felt what he expected, those long, slender fingers in his hair, pushing against his head. Pushing him down, Keith darted out his tongue though, aiming for the scar, wanting to the first person to taste it.

"Shit," Lance gasped.

As Keith licked down the tender new skin forever marring Lance's stomach. In Keith's hand Lance's erection went rigid, and Keith knew Lance was on an edge that he needed to come from, and he moved to get to business. Wrapping his mouth around the head, tasting the familiar tang that was Lance, and he closed his eyes and went to work. Lance pushing down on his head the whole time, knowing Keith liked the pressure, the push and shove of it and giving him what he could this time since it was all Keith was going to get. Lance wasn't selfish in bed Keith had to give him that, it was probably why so many people like him kept going back, even when they knew better, Keith thought wryly.

Seconds before he came, Lance let out with the rest of the Allura story and it was something Keith really wished he could un-hear. "If I wasn't in so much fucking pain, I could've tossed her on the bed and taken her without a fucking thought."

He couldn't respond right away though, because his head was being held in place and his mouth was busy, he glared at Lance though but Lance looked shamed and vulnerable. It hit Keith that he hadn't laid a finger on Allura. He'd only kicked her out of the room, to get away from him before he gave in to the urge. Sitting up once Lance released him Keith stared at him and asked the only question he think of. "What stopped you?"

"Uh, not a rapist for one."

Keith rolled his eyes. "I know that. What I meant is, you could have made a move, Lance. She's not exactly immune to your charms."

Lance shook his head, leaned his head back on his pillow and stared at his ceiling. "She's terrified of them."

"What?"

Lance laughed. "You never could read signals, Keith. She likes me, sure. She thinks I'm hot. Who the hell doesn't? But she's afraid of it. She's not ready for me to make a move. She's too..."

Keith thought of how she'd looked when he'd found her standing outside of Lance's door. Sweet, younger than he'd seen her look since Sven arrived and Blue Lion had been taking away from her, and younger than she had looked since Lance's accident. She was feeling a relief from all the heartache and it was showing. She looked like a young woman of her age should look on a summer day, Keith thought. "Young?" Keith said, thinking about why he tried never to really encourage her crush on him.

"No, that's not it."

"Well it should be," Keith yelled moving off the bed and picking Lance's sweatpants off the floor and tossing them at Lance.

Lance looked at his pants and then at Keith. Shrugging he stood up, moving more stiffly than Keith expected and pulled them back on. "It's not the young part, she's not really all that young, she's too naturally intuitive for that, she sees things. She's going to catch on sooner or later I want to fuck her."

"Lance," he scolded because as used as he was to Lance and his crudeness, there was something about him using it when talking Allura that rankled against Keith's senses. She was different than other people. She was royalty but it was more than that she was the daughter of Arus which meant the Princess of Voltron which was an honor that was greater than they really understood. To know her, to be in charge of protecting her and her planet. Keith wouldn't take it lightly ever.

"Fine, Keith, she's going to know I want to sleep with her and not in the fluffy romance novel way..."

Keith rolled his eyes. "Is that an issue?"

"It's just, I think when she figures it out that... I don't know, man." Lance shook his head.

Keith wasn't sure he understood and he didn't want to think about Lance and Allura and sex anymore. It was unsettling to him in many ways. Allura was above it, and he and Lance...Keith was confused about his strange reaction to a typical moment within their casual sexual arrangement. It was time to change the subject.

"Allura mentioned to me you had bad day at PT."

Lance glared at Keith. "Don't."

"I was only to going to say that..."

"You went through the same fucking thing, I know."

Keith let out an aggravated sigh and wondered how Lance found him so easy to predict. No one else found him easy to predict, everyone else thought he was mysterious, kept his secrets in a deep dark well no one could find unless he shared the map. Not Lance, he waltzed in and drank the water and didn't apologize for the trespassing. At times it was nice to have someone who knew him.

"How did I know? Keith, I remember how you were and I kept telling myself I am not going to go all broody and ragey like you did because it hurts more than I thought. What I didn't expect was for it to be hard. I thought yes, pain, but not you know not able to actually do the easy stuff. What the hell is that?"

Keith gave him a grim nod. "I know."

"Yeah, I know but I'm not...I'll talk when I'm ready, you know that."

Keith nodded. "Okay. You going to come up for dinner?"

"Yeah, I don't want Allura to think I'm mad at her or something."

Keith groaned. "Look about Allura..."

"Keith, I won't touch her, okay?" Lance snapped.

Keith held up his hands. "Okay, okay, I'll see you later..." he started to turn around but Lance grabbed him by the wrist. Keith looked back into intense hazel eyes and felt his body heat up and he was still semi hard from the blowjob.

"I'd fuck you tonight if..."

Keith nodded. "I know."

"I just...don't like leaving you..." Lance gestured with his free hand.

"It's okay," Keith assured him and pulled free wanting to get away from Lance's gaze, it was making him feel strange and dizzy. He wanted to kiss him again, only this time more slowly and taking his time, marking Lance's mouth.

~~.~~

**Lance**

Allura scares me. It's fair I guess when I think about it because I see the fear in her eyes when her cheeks get red in my presence. She can't hide she's too open of a person, she hasn't learn yet to hide her emotions - she's going to have to learn. I can't see a Crown Princess ruling without learning to hide their emotions from the people they deal with, knowing how to bluff their way through something. She's diplomatic at heart, I think she'll learn but she's young as Keith says and she's never felt these things before. We're the only guys who've ever been really around her... and I scare her when I make her blush, when she finds herself staring at my body. I get scared too...

Not when she stares at my body, not when I catch her out of the corner of my staring at me and unconsciously licking her lips. That I can deal with, handle, it's cute when she blushes it makes her a million times more beautiful and sexy.

No she scares me when she holds my hand when I'm in a coma. When I hear stories that Nanny had to drag her out of my room, kicking and screaming. When I find out if Allura had her way she would have been 24/7 like Keith had been - and not out of guilt or a sense of failure or noble loyalty like Keith but because she cared. Allura cared about me.

She scares me when she takes the time everyday to come and hang out with me to help keep my mind busy so I don't feel so trapped inside the walls of this castle which feels so small to me because I can't go out and fly in my lion. She scares me her tears make me go against everything I am, everything I trained for and say I won't try to fly when there is an attack on the Castle so I will mend...

She scares me when she sits on my bed and searches for a way to cheer me up because she can feel how sad I am - Add all that together with how beautiful she is, how sexy I find her and it's miracle I didn't grab her and kiss her today.

Keith's right though. She's above me. Way above me and that scares me too because she'll figure it out someday and then she'll only have a crush on Keith. The crush that matters, the crush that is worthy of her and it leaves me out in cold.

I almost told Keith this today but he looked... weird. I don't know how to explain it, but I can read him pretty well and I got a sense if I talk to much more about Allura he was going to grab me and either hit me or kiss me again. It was... yeah weird.


	8. Chapter 8

Eight

**Lance**

They've been all banged to hell. Bruised, muscles strained. Hunk's been in the gym steam room every night trying to loosen his neck kinks. Pidge's been doing more yoga than ever in an attempt to stay limber. Allura is walking around trying not to let on how stiff she feels and wearing to hide the circles under her eyes. I don't think she's sleeping, well.

Keith is nursing his left ankle and doesn't think anyone's noticed. He's also stiffer than Allura and I think his lower back is killing him. It always does when he lets himself get too stressed with no release. He's working hard, trying to keep them all alive, keep them all on top of their game. Keeping Pidge and Hunk on top on keeping the lions in shape.

The lions are getting roughed to hell too. Black's scuffed, Blue's scorched, Green has lost patches of paint and Yellow has gash through it's eye that nearly took out Hunk. Body damage to the lion Hunk says he can't fix. It's a scar on the lion like the one on my stomach.

Fucking scar that is kept me from being out there in the first place, it might have stopped it. The sudden slam of the Robeasts hand, smacking Black right into Blue. Keith into Allura, both Lions went dark. Systems went out completely. Hunk and Pidge tried to fly in to catch them but the Robeast made it impossible and Keith and Allura were plummeting towards the desert.

I hit the button to open the chute to Red, Coran's hand fell on my forearm. His fingers felt like a vice and I wanted to rip them off of me but I met his eyes and shouted. "Don't say fuck to me, just let me go."

Coran studied me for far too long, it was probably less than ten seconds, less than that even I didn't give him much longer. "Gorma told me I would be clear Monday..." I spat out, pissed that it was Friday now and it was two days, two days changing the odds for Doom.

Both Keith and Allura had crashed in the Desert. Pidge and Hunk were fighting alone, tired, stiff from the relentless drive from Lotor. He'd figured out we down, and that I wasn't coming back soon. I had to change the landscape.

Coran let me go.

I flew straight to the Desert. From my view screen looking down the heads of Blue and Black were almost touching where they lay in indention on the hard ground they'd landed. Pidge and Hunk, assured me they had the Robeast on the defensive and make sure Keith and Allura were alive.

Alive.

I cursed Pidge out in my head for using that word, of course they were alive. They had to be alive. I landed and as I exited Red I saw Keith stumbling out of Blue, Allura in his arms trying to keep his balance with the bad ankle and what looked like a bad head wound. Blood covered the left side of his face like some strange half mask, he looked ghoulish in the bright sun. Rushing up, I grabbed Allura from him and he dropped to knees way to fast. I swore but took Allura to even ground to lay her down carefully. Checked her pulse, checked her for broken bones, internal injuries as quickly as I could. Pulling off her helmet, there was a small head wound, blood was caking in her hair but it wasn't the mess that was going on with Keith. It appeared she'd blackout, nothing unusual with her.

Her pale skin looked ashen though and I touched her cheek and said her name a few times. I wanted to see her beautiful eyes, wanted to know she was going to be okay before I left her and went to check on Keith. Who hadn't followed me down yet - bad, it was bad.

I went back up into the mouth of Blue lion, where I'd left Keith. He was on his knees still and it looked like he'd vomited. I dropped to my knees on the otherside of the mess, gingerly moved his face so he and eye were looking at each other. He had one hell of a concussion going on from the look in his eyes.

"How man of me are there?"

"Three to many, what are you doing out here," Keith said.

"I'm fine. I was going to be cleared Monday."

Keith started to nod but then he made a face and lurched forward. I grabbed onto his shoulders, rubbed his back as he dry heaved. There wasn't anything else in his system apparently.

"What did you hit your head on?"

"Console, had my helmet off," Keith muttered.

"What?" Lance rolled his eyes. "Rules only apply to everyone else, right?

"Keith!" Allura shouted. I looked back and she was already walking towards us and steady on her feet. She stopped short, her nose scrunching up when she either saw or smelled the vomit. But her eyes were locked on Keith's face, the blood dried on skin. "Oh, my God."

"We got to get back up there."

"Keith, you aren't..."

"I'll switch control over to you," Keith told me, to stop my arguing. "Up. Now, all of us."

Allura looked between us. "Is he?" she asked me.

I grinned. "He's our fearless leader."

She nodded.

I was glad it worked for her, it didn't work for me but I saw the look on Keith's face. Stubborn, bossy, determination. Also, there was no other choice to make, we had to fight. We went up. We got there almost too late to save Pidge from disintegration. We formed Voltron, and I managed to control everything from Red. I got back to the control right before Keith passed out. Just in time to do a run-slid across the floor to get there in time to help Allura to keep his already smashed up head from hitting the ground.

I'm in his room now, Gorma let him stay in his own room as long as someone promised to keep waking him up. I swore to it. Going to poke him awake in a few. I wrapped up his ankle, it's a bad sprain but I didn't piss him off by mentioning it to the doctor. He'd kill me. The asshole.

Allura was here until an hour ago, enjoying the grumpy way he woke up when we'd poke him, until Nanny came in and made her leave. I'm glad she's not around - for one she needs sleep. But more than that I got make Keith talk to me. He's been avoiding me, I've been trying to pin him down about the ankle for a week. A fucking week.

And I know it's been going on longer than that...but, well, first I had no clue. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, at how hard PT was. I was grouchy and I was an ass. I was a bastard to anyone who tried to come near me. Why Allura kept coming back everyday I'll never get. She persisted though. I've apologized to her a million times and feel like I still haven't made a thing up to her. Tossed her out of my room so many times the past few weeks. Not always because I felt I might make a move on her, but because her damn optimistic, hopeful personality was getting on my nerves too. I wasn't in the mood for it.

But once I got over myself, I started having fun with PT. Made some games out of it with Harry. Guy is in great shape, and he's got a competitive streak that is almost as bad as Keith's. It's fun to rile him up, he gets this cute furrow in his forehead. Too bad he's immune to my charms... Keith's more his type of man.

This is what caused me to realize Keith was avoiding me. I barged into Keith's office to tell him he should consider asking out Harry if he's ever in the mood for some fun. Which I was also going to tell him he should consider because he's been kind of a killjoy. I'd picked up that when at breakfast earlier in the day he snapped at Hunk at all people. No one snaps at Hunk. Hunk doesn't piss people off, he's too affable. Keith was beyond pissy if he was snapping at Hunk.

Keith didn't let me say a word. Instead he got up from his desk, said he had to go talk to someone, walked past me without making eye contac. That's when I noticed he was nursing his ankle. Who knows how long he'd been nursing that foot, I know I'm the only one who noticed. At first it he'd probably just turned it, but since he didn't do anything for it, it got worse...Keith's great at taking care of other people. Himself. He's a fucking idiot.

So he's dodging me but the funny part I kept feeling his eyes on me. It started that night at dinner. It was this weight, this knowledge of someone watching me. I looked with my eyes around the table. It was Keith's coffee dark eyes on me, his expression serious as he chewed his food a hundred times before swallowing. He didn't flinch when he met his eyes across the table but he didn't stay around after dinner to let me talk to him either.

It's kept since then. He won't let me spend more than two seconds alone with him, but if we're in the same room, his eyes are on me full-stop. I don't know what he's looking for, or looking at. It's disconcerting, I feel like he's looking for some kind of answer and I probably don't have it. He has some answers I want though, mostly about why he's been not taking care of himself. I might've been slow to notice everything was building up on him, but I got it, and I'm here now. And he's at my mercy.

Time to poke.

**Keith**

Giving Lance permission to poke someone is wrong. I writing this up into an official file, no one should ever give him permission to poke someone. I had an concussion, I realize I needed to be woken up - to be on the safer side of things. I believe in caution when it comes to my peoples lives, so I believe in it when comes to mine live. I would never put Lance in charge of keeping anyone awake. He POKES.

He had Allura poking me, too. At least the first two times I woke up, it was the two of them, both poking me in the ribs from either side. His index finger, bony and sharp, hers slender, with her finger nail scrapping my skin. Poke, poke, poke. Then Allura would giggle when I'd open my eyes, and grumble that there were other better ways to wake a man.

Lance would argue they were less fun, but he'd wink at me when he said. Allura would smile and say she was glad that my head wound looked worse than it was. I didn't ask if had been given stitches I could feel them in head, five of them, close together by my left temple pulling hot, throbbing skin together. I felt dizzy, my throat was parched and I reached for water. Lance felt my forehead, held out three of his annoying pokey-fingers and asked me how many there were. I grunted at him and then got to see Allura look from me to him and say. "He's grumpy," like I wasn't even in the room.

"I'm here," I said.

Allura turned to me, her hand fell on my forehead. It felt much cooler than Lance's had, she pushed my bangs off my skin and realized I was sweating. "I'm sorry, Keith. You can fall back asleep if you want."

I shook my head but eyes fluttered closed anyway, against my will. I didn't want to fall asleep, I wanted to keep an eye on Lance. I wanted to make sure I wasn't poked again but it was too late.

Then it came again, poke, poke, poke and I moved my hand, pushing at his finger, and ended up holding his hand. "Fucking don't poke me awake, Lance," I grumbled opening my eyes and watching the room spin for a minute before it fell into focus.

Lance squeezed my hand. I frowned, something was different. I stretched out my legs and realized that my ankle had been wrapped and I sighed. I knew it, he'd been eyeing my walk for the past few days in away that I knew he was onto me. I pushed myself into a sitting position and instantly regretted it, the entire room spun around, the bed felt like it moved out from under me. My hands flailed, the one in his hand tightening my other reaching out for his other arm.

He grabbed onto me, shook his head laughed. "Don't move so quick, you dumbass."

I grumbled until it passed, thankful I wasn't going to vomit again at least. "Fuck," I gritted out.

He let go of me, handed me a glass of lukewarm water. I took it and sipped it. He watched me, his damn eyes showing his brain working and I knew I was in for something. He was thinking, he was calculating things out in his mind. It meant he was figuring out what he wanted to say before he said. Thinking things through. With Lance that's dangerous, I like him better on the fly, when he's not thinking...

"You've been staring, Kogane."

I shrugged, I've stared at him since we met. Doesn't mean a thing, at least that is what I've been telling myself since he finally pulled himself out of his PT funk and caught me staring about a week ago.

"Been avoiding me too."

I shrugged again. "You've been in a foul mood."

"Hell, yeah I was. Allura was the only one with the guts for it. Think she's the bravest among us, Keith."

He might not be wrong on that one, I have to say. She wouldn't let him push her away, or let him get completely down on himself during the worst of his PT. Didn't matter how rude or crude he got with her. She'd go back again the next damn day, a look of fury and determination on her face. All faith and optimism. I remember it from when I was healing myself, I could never forget she was a Princess, The Princess though and throw her out like Lance did. Lance reacted to her like she was friend. I gritted my teeth, let her optimism annoy me to the point of wanting to scream but never said a word. I think Allura knew though, she'd shake her head and kiss my cheek and say she'd back tomorrow just when I wondered if I could handle her a second longer.

"Not why you were avoiding me though, was it?" Lance asked, while he had me thinking about Allura. Bastard.

"What?" I played dumb.

"Keith? Look, I get you like to be all strong and in charge. But come on, sometimes you need help. Sven's gone, and I know...look, man I know you wanted him to stay," Lance reached out and grabbed my hand again. My left hand, with the dragon tattoo I got after sleeping with Sven the first time. Its when I knew. Men and me. A great fit, a real fit, it wasn't in my head and it wasn't a phase and it wasn't even that I was falling for Sven. It was men and intrinsic to who I am but I realized it because of Sven. He and I went to the tattoo parlor together, he helped me pick out the black dragon I had inked into my wrist.

Lance noticed me staring at the tattoo, he ran his thumb over it, pulled it up this mouth and licked it. It always makes me squawk, he knows it too. I squawk like some odd bird, as he drags his tongue over the inside of my wrist, over the ink and marks me there in some way himself. He did it the night we met, he does it when he wants my attention, he did it once to play some game with Allura - but this was us, just him and me, all us.

"You miss him?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I haven't had time to think about it," I admitted. "I... You were a coma for another few days, then in and out and still on the edge. Lotor kept up the attacks knowing we were a lion down. It was...I haven't had time to miss him. Been worried about Allura keeping up with us, without training - Fuck if you were right. I shouldn't have stopped her training."

"Score one for me!" Lance preened.

I rolled my eyes and regretted it, winced and my free hand went to my head. It was throbbing still, felt like with each throb it was pulling on the stitches, that the broken skin didn't want to mend together. "My head hurts," I grumbled.

"Wear your helmet next time. Also what's up with the ankle, who do you think you were fooling?"

"Everyone but you."

"Yeah, me too for too long apparently."

"I wrenched it some battle when there was some crush, don't remember when," I said because it was the truth. It started to hurt, I saw it was sprained, I kept my eyes on it and tried to not make it much worse. It never did get better though for some reason I'm so great at wrapping my own ankles. Lance's got it wrapped tight, and he's looking at me with that face. His I-give-a-crap-about-you-face I don't need that face right now. He's got me screwed up enough and I think he's onto me about it.

"You've been staring."

"You already said that."

"I know I'm hot, and the scar's kind of sexy but..." Lance trailed off. "You haven't actually been around when I have my shirt off so..."

There are reasons for that, a lot of reasons for that and I didnt't want to have this conversation but I was awake and my eyes weren't sliding closed. And I couldn't make a break for it, besides I was in my own room, in my own bed and if anyone should've left. "I'm awake, you can go."

"And let you pass out without eyes on you, no way, Keith."

Thing about Lance, he's cocky, reckless, he boasts and brags. He's over confident and you think he'd save you only to get recognition or something but the truth is. He's a cocky son of bitch who does what he does because he has a damn moral code and it's a good one. Fucking hate him for it right now, because he's not going to leave my room anymore than I'd ever leave his room. Because it's the wrong thing to do when someone needs help.

"Think you could flip over?"

I knew where he was going with this and I wanted to say no but my lower back was killing me almost as much as my head and I found myself nodding. "Going need help, though," I muttered feeling as if my entire body hadn't moved in a year. Every joint is rusty, stiff, and my head spun but it wasn't as if I was falling through space this time. Lance's strong hands held me, steadied me the entire time and then they were pressing into the stiff, locked up muscles of my lower back and I was groaning in pleasure-pain.

"Jesus, Keith. You could've just crossed the hall and asked. I wouldn't have said no."

"You had your own pain."

He was quiet as he kept massaging, I could hear him breathing. "I don't get why you've been avoiding me."

I swallowed and hugged my pillow, put my head down into it and hoped he wouldn't push. Because I couldn't explain, it wasn't that I wanted to avoid him I felt I had too. I was too upset about the last time we were together and I shouldn't have been. I was wound up, my head space was weird. I felt messed up. He was best friend, I almost lost him and today he ran out to be there for me.

Again.

"I don't want to take you for granted," I whispered.

Lance laughed.

He didn't understand, but he kept working my muscles and I fell asleep again. The next time I woke up, he was lazily poking me in the middle of my back, his own eyes half open, asleep on his side next to me in my bed. It was early morning and he grinned. "You're in the clear, just thought I'd tell you. You can go back to sleep now."

The only thought I had was he'd spent the night in my bed.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Keith woke up an hour a half later, facing Lance. Lance was hugging Keith's pillow, mouth was open and he was making a snuffling noise as slept. Keith felt his throat constrict, became more aware of his usual morning arousal, and found himself rising up onto his side to get a better look at his best friend. His head no longer felt like it weighed the amount of his lion, he realized when there was a minimum revolt from his wound, and his back felt fine for the first time in weeks. Lance always had had magic hands, he'd been right Keith should have walked across the hallway and asked; he wasn't even sure what it was that stopped him. He'd never second guessed the thought of asking Lance for a favor before, why was he starting now?

Keith reached out, moving some Lance's dark auburn hair away from the nape of his neck, his eyes on the tattoo. It was a daring tattoo, deep black, sharp lines, running down his spinal column against the palest skin Keith had ever seen, a lance on a Lance, he rolled his eyes. Lance was too skinny, he thought not for the first time, fingers lightly touching his skin, feeling the knobs of his vertebrae. He licked his lips, an impulse pulling at him and he gave into it, something he rarely allowed himself to do, but he couldn't go running, not with his ankle, not after a concussion. He found himself having time to himself and Lance was right here, having stayed the night, taking care of him... A thank you was in order, Keith thought.

He moved, carefully, not ready for Lance for to wake up, straddled Lance putting his ass against Lance's, and bent down and kissed the first knob of vertebra, it was at the tip of the spear of Lance's tattoo. His mouth wide open, he kissed the skin, then dragged his tongue behind him as he moved down slowly to next protrusion of bone, to mouth it as well. He felt Lance shift around the time, he reached the end of the tattoo, the middle of Lance's back, he pressed down with his mouth a bit harder this time.

"Hmm, Keith?"

"Yeah," Keith said, not stopping.

Lance pushed up on his elbows, turned his head back, Keith looked up, loving the sleepy look of Lance's eyes, his face. It suited Lance, lazy, Keith thought. Lazy, sleepy, sated, these things suited Lance like they were terms made for him, he was at his best relaxed. Unlike him. Keith smiled.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" Lance asked, his voice low with both lust and sleep.

Keith grinned wider and went to the next vertebra, mouth open, kiss wet and sloppy, careful to drag his drag slow and precisely over it as he went down to the next one. Lance's face fell back into the pillow and he groaned.

Keith lifted his mouth. "Like it?"

"Hmm," Lance mumbled into the pillow.

Keith didn't like that, he reached up and grabbed Lance's hair with his hand, pulled hard, Lance was staring at him again in a second. "Like it?"

"Yes, shit, yes. More, please," Lance begged, without Keith having to even ask, which was unusual. Keith definitely had to get him to sleepover more often, he thought as he went back to Lance's bony spine. As soon as his mouth hit Lance's skin, Lance's dirty mouth started to talk to him; back when they were younger, and Sven had been Keith's only male lover Keith used to turn red the second it started and feared spontaneous combustion before it was over. Lance never ran out words, bookended with the term fuck, or fucking, about how much he loved Keith's mouth, his tongue, and how hard he was and how he couldn't wait to get his cock into in Keith's ass. It was a stream, with only slight changes to the wording, as it looped around back to the beginning, as Keith moved down Lance's back.

Keith sighed when he reached Lance's lower back and the bony protrusions disappeared, he tongued his way over the skin, down and then back up towards Lance's ass, and then started to pull down his boxers. But Lance turned on him and in an instant he found himself on his back, Lance's mouth attached to his neck, and Lance's hand on his cock. Keith felt dizzy, but he didn't think it was his wounds at all, he laughed, and Lance moved off his mouth and met his eyes.

"Good morning," Lance said, smiling that cocky smile of his and Keith supposed he had a right to do so.

"Not until you fuck me," Keith heard himself say, but he lifted his hand and touched Lance's face, drinking in his features, the shape of his cheekbones, the curve of his mouth that caused the cocky smile. The color of his eyes, brown hazel, with flecks of gold, green, amber, so much more than one shade there, like Lance more complicated than he seemed on the onset. Keith licked his lips.

"What the fuck are you doing, Keith?" Lance asked, thrusting his erection against Keith, to remind him what they were both after, what they were both always after.

Keith felt a surge of something he didn't want to think about, so he laughed and said, "This." And grabbed Lance's face and pulled him in for a hard, tongue thrusting kiss. "Do it, Lance, now..." he ordered the second he broke the kiss, and fumbled out of his boxers.

Lance laughed, turned around to open Keith's nightstand drawer, laughing more. "Really, you bought bin to organize your sex toys into?" he said, as he pulled out the lubrication and a condom. "I pulled this from the ribbed for your pleasure slot..." Lance said with a cock of his eyebrow.

Keith blushed.

"Interesting things in there, I never noticed before, all organized like it is now..."

"I clean when I'm stressed."

"I'm not surprised," Lance laughed, toppling Keith over by lifting his thighs off the bed, spreading Keith's legs and settling between them. "Anymore orders, fearless leader?" Lance asked, rubbing his thumb against Keith's perineum, idly, back and forth and watching Keith like he had all the time in the world.

Keith felt like his heart was pounding to hard, he felt sweaty and nervous suddenly and it made no sense. Suddenly he didn't remember what it felt like to be fucked by Lance, but it hadn't been that long, had it? He breathed in and out, he shook his head and he just said. "Please?"

Lance gave him an odd look but lasted only a second, then he settled between Keith's legs and Keith remembered how good Lance was with his tongue, how great he was with his fingers and then how fucking amazing he was with his cock. Keith grabbed at whatever skin he could get as they slid together, as Lance pounded into him, found himself kissing Lance's shoulders, instead of biting them and then he'd bite down when he'd remembered himself. He made his way up Lance's neck, sloppy, wet, grabbing at his hair to direct his head and neck where Keith wanted him and right as Lance came, right before Keith came himself, he found his mouth on Lance's thrusting his tongue inside.

That was new, he thought coming harder than ever as he kissed Lance, and he didn't want to stop. He grabbed onto Lance, pulling him into the kiss even harder. Lance kissed him back, laughing into it a little bit. When they broke apart for air, Lance shook his head at Keith. "Kissy, kissy, lately aren't you?" he said.

Keith felt like his heart was in his mouth. "Am I," he asked, feeling Lance pulling out of him and he had to close his eyes, bite his tongue to not whimper about the emptiness. What the hell was wrong with him? This was casual sex, _casual,_ it'd been casual and fun for years, why did it keep feeling different now? Just because Lance almost died? Keith knew he was a bit of an idealist and a romantic but he wasn't that soft. Was he?

"Stay off your foot," Lance barked, standing there, naked except for a condom, which he lazily pulled off with one hand as he eyed Keith's foot. "I need to rewrap that before I leave," he muttered.

Keith rolled his eyes. "You aren't my nursemaid."

"Yeah, but you can't wrap your own wounds worth a damn," Lance laughed walking into Keith's bathroom. Keith sat up, to keep his eyes on Lance's naked form for as long as he could but he lost him to the darkness of the bathroom. He heard water and wasn't surprised when Lance came out with a wet towel and threw it at him. "There you go," he said. Then he scrounged around on the bed, and around it until he came back up with his own boxers, and the pair of pants he'd been wearing yesterday. "Where the hell did I throw my shirt last night?" he said to himself.

Keith couldn't stop watching him, he cleaned himself up, got off the bed and pulled out a clean pair of boxer shorts to pull, careful not to put to much weight on his bad ankle. Lance grabbed his arm and gave him a hard look. "Keith, seriously, if you don't start healing up in the next few days, I'm telling Gorma about the ankle."

Keith glared, but he nodded and he felt something else, and remembered all his promises to himself when Lance was in his coma. All the small memories he'd ended up obsessing on, that him begging the Universe and promising himself that he would never take Lance McClain for granted again. "Lance," he said as Lance turned to continue looking for his shirt.

"Yeah," Lance said.

"Thanks."

Lance turned back to him then a large boyish grin on his face. "Are you kidding me, thank you, that was a great fucking way to start the day."

Keith laughed, but he shook his head. "I didn't mean... but yeah, that was," Keith stopped himself from saying the best lay we've ever had, because fuck, he felt himself blushing suddenly and he felt tongue tied and shy. This was Lance, for crying out loud, he told himself.

"Okay, what did you mean?"

"I mean thanks for being an ass and poking me last night, not telling Gorma about my ankle and you know watching my back."

Lance shrugged. "Just doing my duty, fearless leader."

Keith sighed, feeling like Lance was ducking his gratitude, but not knowing how to make him really get it, or how to push it. He didn't even know why he wanted to push it, he had this bizarre need to make Lance see how awesome he was... What the fuck? Keith thought to himself.

"You can borrow a shirt," he said instead.

"Right, walk around with one of your shirts hanging off me," Lance laughed.

Keith rolled his eyes, he sat back down on his bed, started moving the bedding around, they'd made a wreck of his bed, it was time to change them anyway he thought idly. He was looking for Lance's shirt but only halfheartedly he realized, because he didn't want Lance leave. Usually, he pushing the guy out of his space as fast as possible.

"As soon as I find my shirt, I'll rewrap your ankle and get out here," Lance said, echoing Keith's realization.

Keith swallowed the urge to tell Lance their was no rush.

The chime on Keith's door went off, followed by Allura's voice. "Keith, it's Allura, are you awake?"

Lance started to toward the door. Keith jumped up, swore, and sat back down, "What the hell are you doing?"

"What? Letting her in," he said.

"We just had sex in here?"

"And she'll figure out that out how?" Lance challenged.

Keith studied him, wondering what Lance was really thinking, he shook his head. "Hit the button and tell her to hold on," he barked.

Lance sighed. "Hey, Beautiful, hold on a second okay?"

Keith stood up more carefully, he felt a weird pang as Lance referred to Allura as beautiful and shook his head at the same time. "You shouldn't call her names like that," he chastised.

"Why not?" Lance said.

"She's the Princess?" Keith muttered.

"Whatever, she's a person and more than that my friend. I don't treat them different because of their title. Would you like me to stop mocking you, Fearless Leader," Lance asked with a wink.

"I would like you to spray the air freshener," Keith barked as he pulled out a pair of sweatpants and two shirts, he swiftly hopped into the pants, and pulled on the shirt and then tossed the other one to Lance.

Lance looked at it, rolled his eyes. "Right and wearing your clothes makes it look less like I just had my dick up your ass."

"Lance, you shouldn't parade half-naked in front of her."

"Right, because she's never seen either of us without our shirts on," Lance laughed, throwing the shirt back at Keith.

"Guys?"

Lance laughed, picked up the air freshener off of Keith's nightstand by the door and sprayed it, then hit the button. "Just a second, Gorgeous," he winked at Keith. "We're trying to find my shirt."

"You don't need a shirt to see me," Allura said.

Lance grinned cheekily at Keith. "Can, I let her in?"

Keith pulled all the sheets into his arms and then stuffed them into his hamper. "Fine," he muttered, carefully going back to sit on his now naked bed.

Lance opened the door. Allura walked in, smiling brightly at the both of them. "How are you feeling?" Allura asked Keith.

Keith fought the impulse to stand up because his ankle was bothering him, after all the getting up and sitting down. "Fine, I feel fine."

"Great, but you still have to take it easy today. It's doctor's orders, I felt I should remind you. Did you remind him?" Allura asked Lance, turning to face him.

Lance grinned down at her. "I was going to do, right after I wrapped his ankled and reminded him if he doesn't take care of it, I will tattle on him," he said and then he crossed in front of Allura and fell down to his knees.

Keith rolled his eyes. "I'll take care of it, I can take care of myself you know."

"It's okay to let us help you, Keith," Allura said, her voice sincere. Keith couldn't help but smile up at her and nod.

"I know, I appreciate that you both have my back, Allura. But Lance is still healing himself."

"Lance is fine," Lance muttered. "Allura, come down here."

Keith sat up more. "What are you doing?"

"Going to show her how to wrap a sprain, don't you think she should know, Fearless Leader?"

Keith had to give it to him, and he grunted, pissed off he hadn't thought it first. She should be given a course in all first aid, basics and beyond, in their line of work you never knew what might happen in battle. If Lance hadn't gone out there, Allura wouldn't have known what to do, yesterday. He'd have to set up something.

He watched, not really listening as Lance explained things to Allura, but instead finding himself focusing on Lance's calvicle bone, the scar on his stomach, and his long slender fingers as they wrapped the bandage around his ankle, tightly and expertly. He startled when Lance's deep laughter took him out of his trance and made him look up into Lance's mirthful eyes.

"What?" he and Allura said in unison.

"Just the two of you, both of you all focused with your tongues poking out of your mouths, it was cute..." Lance laughed more. "Now where is my damn shirt," he stood up. Allura stood up with him, her eyes scanning the room, and Keith noticed the pink on her cheeks and realized she was blushing. He sighed when he realized she'd probably gotten all caught up in Lance herself...he was acting like a eighteen year old Princess, Keith thought. What was wrong with him?

"Here it is," Allura said, and she bent down, leaned her head under Keith's bed, reaching. Lance looked over, his eyes landing on Allura's butt and Keith cleared his throat. Lance's eyes averted over to him and he shrugged, without any shame but kept his eyes off her butt at least. Allura came up in one fluid motion and handed Lance his shirt, with a smile.

"Thanks, Sweetheart," he said, with a wink.

She blushed again and nodded.

Lance pulled the shirt on, glanced at Keith. "See you at breakfast, Fearless," he said.

"Yeah, we can discuss after breakfast, Allura's first aid education. We need to get on that, she needs to know more than how to wrap a sprain."

He watched as Allura and Lance exchanged a glance, something passing between them at his expense, he'd seen it a million times but this time it really bothered him and he didn't really get why.

"Me and my big mouth," Lance said, walking to the door and opening, but staying back to let Allura leave first.

"I'm glad you are feeling like yourself, Keith!" Allura smiled. "I'll see you at breakfast," she left the room.

Lance was about to follow her when Keith opened his mouth. "Lance?"

"Yeah?" Lance said, turning around the door closing behind him again.

Keith stood up, testing his ankle, nodding at the quality of Lance's work, crossed the room and grabbed Lance's face and kissed him, unable to deny that the rush that kept going through him every time he did this felt like possession. Lance kissed him back, at first but then he pushed at Keith's chest, gripped his shoulders tight pushing him away and looked at Keith.

"You okay? There something your not sharing?" Lance asked.

"I'm fine."

"You're head is okay, everything is in focus, seeing okay?" Lance asked.

"Lance, I'm fine."

"Okay, so you're just fucking clingy in the morning, then that it?"

"You listen to orders better when your half asleep," Keith managed to bite out, feeling caught and vulnerable.

Lance laughed. "Yeah, I guess I do, huh. Okay, yeah, you done plundering my mouth?"

"No," Keith said and he pulled Lance back in, but before he kissed him he barked out. "You don't leave until I say you can."

"Fuck, Keith, you're going to get me hard again," Lance muttered.

Keith felt triumphant.

~~.~~

Allura loitered in the hallway, waiting for Lance to come out, near the doorway to his room. She wanted his take on if Keith was really okay, she knew Keith was likely to say he was when he wasn't. It was his way, to act strong for everyone else and then fall over when he couldn't keep it up any longer. She was angry at herself for not noticing his ankle, for not noticing that the stiff walk was about more than stress from fighting minus one lion, and worrying about his two best friends. Lance had noticed, and he still had physical therapy, he was fighting the urge to run out there and fight with them, especially yesterday, when he knew he was only two days away from being cleared...that he waited until there was a bad crash was amazing she thought. She knew partially he'd only done it for her, because she'd begged him when he was injured and could have caused himself worse damage. It amazed her she had that kind of power over someone like Lance, she shivered at the thought.

She looked at Keith's door and sighed. What had Keith called him back for? She had to go see Coran before breakfast, if Lance didn't come out of the room soon she wouldn't get a chance to talk to him about Keith's health until after breakfast but it sounded like Keith planned to make Lance work. On coming up with her first aid education with him, she laughed a bit at that, though it was a good idea. When Lance had invited her to join him on the floor in front of Keith, to show her what to do she'd thought it a great idea. She'd laughed when Keith grunted, hating Lance thought of an intelligent idea before him, their leader. She and Lance had exchanged a look on the floor over his ankle. His really ugly looking ankle, she wanted to shake Keith for allowing it to happen, and her own guilt rose up at herself again for missing it.

She'd been too focused on Lance alone, thinking him the only one who really needed attention and that hadn't been true. Keith had been hurt too, Keith had almost lost two friends, Keith had the planet, her, and others to watch out for and lead. She should have been supporting him as much as she was supporting Lance. It was her duty to him not only as a team member, and not only as a friend, but as his Princess. He the Captain of her Planet's most important defense system and she was the Princess and she owed him her whole support. Learning how to balance it all, she breathed out and closed her eyes and said a quick prayer to the Arusian Goddesses to help her find a way to balance all her roles.

"That was weird," she heard Lance say.

"What was weird?" Allura asked, loving how messy his hair was, falling in eyes, it made her want to move off his forehead. She remembered how it felt to be on her knees next to him, smelling him, feeling his body heat, his breath on her skin as he explained what to do. She was sure didn't remember at all how to wrap a sprained ankle. She hoped they covered it again, in the real courses they would be planning. She blushed at the thought.

"Nothing, Keith's just... weird."

"Sometimes, most times he's Keith," she said with a smile. "Which is why I was waiting."

Lance laughed, and she drank in the sound. He laughed so easily, always seemed so happy. She knew now that though most of the time it was the genuine truth of him, it could also be a complete front. It could hide things he didn't want other people to know or see, she didn't want him hiding things from her anymore, like he'd hid his fears about Sven from her and only shared them with Keith. He opened his door and waited for her walk in first, she walked into his room, feeling the rush of freedom he always gave her. There was no worry about is this okay, this isn't fitting a Princess, you and I should probably talk in the hallway. It helped the others relax around her as well, she would be forever grateful to Lance for it.

"Is he really okay, today?"

Lance turned to face her, he had a weird look on his face and then he nodded. "I think so, yeah."

She worried. "What is it?"

Lance shook his head. "His head is fine, his eyes are clear, his ankles a mess but that was his own macho act, right. I guess i get it, I like to think I'm not as macho as him but I probably am."

Allura nodded.

"What, no Lance, you are so much smarter?"

"Sorry, I was the only one who put up with you through the worst of your PT, no way you are so much smarter. You were just as bad as him, you even swore at me."

"Baby, I swear at everybody," he said.

Allura blushed, never-ending side effect around Lance she thought, she wondered if she would ever get over it. "So, he's just being a bit weird?"

"A lot, weird, but it's nothing to worry about." Lance said.

"I'm glad you stayed with him last night, took care of him. I was thinking, I let him down. I should have notice his ankle, I should have been watching out for him more, same time I was helping you out. I wasn't..." she looked down at Lance's gray carpet.

Lance's fingers gripped her chin and titled her fingers back up. "He wouldn't have let you in," he said.

"Maybe he would've," Allura said.

Lance smiled at her, his expression changed to something she couldn't read and he nodded. "Maybe, you make it impossible for me to turn you away," he coughed, cleared his throat. "He dodged me for a week about his ankle. He could tell I knew."

"Really!" Allura asked, trying not to blush to hard. Also she was trying to memorize the feeling of Lance's fingers on her chin even though she wasn't sure why she was, but she could feel the pressure, heat and he was flexing them like he might pull away at any minute.

"Yeah," Lance let go of her, he turned around. "I gotta take a shower, don't you have to do Princess things before breakfast?"

"Unfortunately," Allura said, watching him take off his shirt, stopping herself from licking her lips as she saw the tattoo and his scar for the second time today. "I rather not, though."

Lance met her gaze again, his expression soft and she knew the look. His rare, quiet, _I'm listening look_.

"It's just... I'm tired, there has been so much going on. And hearing about agriculture, is, while I'm glad that Arusian farmers are rebuilding their farms, their lively hoods, as well as the bakers, and the mills, and the tailors, and so on, rebuilding our economy. Listening to reports about it, signing things, it's not where I'm focused right now. I rather be visiting the orphanages, the clincs, the hospitals, I rather be training with your guys much more, and learning more things about the Lions, flying more. I'm so far behind and since Sven came back, I'm more behind again." Allura put her hand over her mouth once she finished, she hadn't meant to say so much. "I didn't realize I had that much inside."

Lance nodded. "Tell him."

"Coran, he won't listen."

"Tell him anyway, he's a softie for you, Allura, can't hurt."

Allura laughed. "He is a teddy bear, but the idea of me learning how to be more like a soldier... He hates that."

Lance nodded. "Only people born to be soldiers like the idea for themselves, the rest of us do it because we have too. Or, in my case because I belong in the sky."

"You're good at, a natural," she said, thinking about flying but also fighting on the ground. "Being a soldier," she clarified.

"Well, I like killing scum like the Drules, I won't lie."

Allura nodded and she stood taller. "I must fight to defend Arus, to defend what my parents stood for, what Voltron stands for. I have too, Lance," she paused and tears started to sting her eyes. "They killed my family, they killed so many families, not just mine...but so many families and I want to stop it, I want to stop them, Zarkon, Lotor, Haggar, I want them all to die, and for it all to stop, to just stop." She gasped for air, she was crying hard now, the feelings had slammed her all of sudden, thinking about it, about why she'd made the decision to fight for right to fly against Coran and Nanny.

Hands were on her arms, she felt herself being lifted like she was nothing and then she was on Lance's bed, and he in front of her, his thumbs on her cheeks, drying the tears but more were still pouring down her face. "Take a breath, Allura," he said.

She breathed a few times, and ended up hiccuping, which made her eyes go wide and she laughed, more tears flying out of her eyes. She was exhausted, she hadn't been sleeping well, for months it felt like. Lance shook his head at her. "You are tired," he said.

"It's like you read minds, sometimes."

"Just body language," Lance said. "And hysterical crying out of nowhere, big clue." he looked around his room. "Now, if I was Keith, I'd have actual handkerchiefs somewhere, Sven too. I swear sometimes those two aren't real," he finally found a box of tissues, and handed them to her, sitting down next to her and pulling her into his side.

Allura grabbed a few tissues, wiped her cheeks and forced herself to blow her nose in front of him, knowing he'd never judge her but the part of her that had a crush on him didn't want too, it seemed so uncomely. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to do this, I just wanted to check on Keith, I swear."

Lance ran his hand up and down her arm. "I get it, I mean it Allura, just talk to Coran. Cry a bit in front of him, you crying bring any man to his knees, I promise. He'll do whatever you want," he trailed off with a small laugh.

Allura leaned into Lance, thinking about what he said but more about everything that had come spouting out of her, everything she had been thinking earlier in the hallway. She wanted to focus on her teammates, she wanted to focus on her people, on protecting them, she needed to be a better soldier and friend. She had to find a better way to balance all her duties and all her feelings about everything. She did need to Coran, the decision made in her mind, she breathe easier in relief and felt Lance's arm around her, his chest against her, and the smell of him again and instantly felt too hot. She'd made such a scene in front of him, instantly embarrassed though thankful to him. She stiffened in his arms unsure what to do now that she felt better, what did she do now, about where she was?

Lance let go of her a few seconds later, always reading body language, she thought. He stood up before she moved and he offered her a hand. She took it and he helped her to her feet, then he backed up towards his door, and hit it open with his elbow. "I'll see you, soon," he said letting go of her hand.

Allura walked passed him into the hallway, but then she turned around, went up on the tips of her toes, he was so damn tall and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Lance," she said, before she turned and bolted away.

~~.~~

**Keith**

I left my bedroom in time to watch Allura, running from Lance, that look on her face she gets when he flusters her, her cheeks red from the awkwardness she feels around him. Sometimes she blushes around me, like that, dark red cheeks, her usual perfect speech tripped up but not as often, not as much...then again, I didn't flirt with her, I didn't tell her she beautiful, or call her sweetheart. I didn't push her to face her sexual attractions like Lance would when he got in the right mood. That was something for Allura to find at her own pace, her own time and something for us to protect, she's under our protection, I try to remind him of this.

I felt like shouting it to him, across the hallway this time. It bubbled up in my chest, shouting at him that Allura, As the Princess is under our duty to protect, her innocence is under that purview. I wanted to stop him from looking at her, flirting with her, I just want it to stop. That was the real rush. I don't want him looking at anyone but me. It's a dark possessive crush and it hit me in the chest as hard as the crash yesterday had shook my whole body.

And then I saw his face, right before his door slide completely closed. He looked disquieted, ruffled, affected. Something had happened in his room, with her, that wasn't about his attraction to her, that wasn't about him pushing her buttons, her crush on him at just raised up and then she'd run off anyway but whatever it was... it mattered to him, it was all expression, so much more in his eyes than I'd ever seen aimed at me.

It angered me. Too much, my fists clenched and I nearly punched the wall and I was thinking mine.

What good do these thoughts do me? I am not in love with Lance, I can't be? I love him, he's my best friend, it's been casual sex until the coma. Because of Sven, and that was possessive, that was holding onto something I had lost, too hard, much to hard I nearly broke him again - for all I know Sven is irrevocably broken again, lost in his own mind, trapped, thinking he killed Lance.

All my fault. All because I gripped to tight.

I have to stay away from Lance. I can't feel possessive of him, he's not someone that can be possessed not by anyone anyway, he's too kinetic, too blazing and bright. There is nothing dark in Lance, just fire and laughter, the things of life.

I have to stop thinking about him...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Allura stepped outside of the Castle, the sun had dipped below the horizon mere moments ago but already the heat of the late summer day had lowered considerably. She breathed in the fresh air, she'd been stuck inside all day, in meetings with Coran and Advocates chosen from nearby villages, to discuss what the towns needed, how the Castle could aid them in the rebuilding of Arus and protect them - how they could protect themselves. Those meetings, Keith had set in on and it'd been her favorite part of the series of meetings, but it'd been hours ago now, since she'd had the one bright spot of listening to Keith's common sense, but also his idealistic nature at work.

Also, he was nice to look at, she thought with a small smile. She'd had to keep reminding herself to listen to what he was saying, so she wouldn't miss anything important, instead of watching his lips move for purely aesthetic purposes. When he wasn't speaking, she'd spent a long time staring at his left forearm and wrist, he was wearing a red shirt and had pushed up the sleeves due to the heat. The lines of his arm muscles even at rest were like marble, and they pointed right toward the black dragon on his wrist. At least that is what it felt like to Allura. The dragon fascinated her, it was so detailed for a small tattoo, her curiosity about it's meaning had still never been sated and she wondered if she were to lick like Lance had that one time if Keith would make the same squawk.

He could do with a squawk, she thought, worrying about him as she walked toward her favorite location in the garden, where she planned to settle under the lights from the Castle and the twin moons of Arus, to write in her diary. Keith's ankle had healed, he'd been fine after the crash only bad that first night but Lance had made sure he made it through. But something was still wrong, he wasn't himself at all. He still had that look he'd had in the room with Lance, when he'd been in a coma.

Allura had been too mad at him at the time to care, to terrified at Lance slipping through their fingers, her fingers, to worry about Keith's pain, his own feelings but now with time between them and having forgave him ages ago, she was worried and wondered if he had forgiven himself.

He was avoiding Lance. He was walking around with his back too straight, and when he thought there were no eyes on him, he was rubbing his own neck muscles and his own back muscles. Keith was holding things inside, and Allura felt that someone had to do something. She thought that by now Lance would've gotten through to Keith, figured it out and helped him through it. Their friendship was something rare, she envied their closeness, she knew they could say things to each other that no one else would dare say to them. She envied it, she wished she had someone like in her life, someone who would give her that blunt open raw honesty and never hold back. Someone who would take her hand, offer dependable, strong, solid strength, at all times. The truth was she wanted it to be them, Lance's unadorned truth, Keith's honorable inner strength.

Only she was worried about Keith right now, it seemed something inside of him had been shaken, his inner strength had taken a tumble. Not professionally, he was brilliant still when they were out there facing a robeast. He kept them all alive, he was there if she found herself over her head, pulling her back up above the water. He was on point in the meetings today, he was supportive of the men and women from the villages, civilians their whole lives, who'd hidden in caves for months, before he came here. He told them they brave, he supported them, he treated them as equals while they looked at him in awe.

There was a crossroad of paths coming up, she would go straight toward the corner of the garden where their was bench, but if you turned to the right it would take you down toward the lake. As Allura walked toward it, she spotted Keith standing by the lake still as could be, head down. She paused in her step, her thoughts had been on him and here he was and she didn't believe in coincidence.

Allura was beside Keith a moment later, she side eyed him. Keith didn't move a muscle, but she didn't believe he didn't know she had arrived, he was too good at what he did, too aware of his surroundings.

"Did I ever apologize, specifically, for being so horrible to you when Lance was in his coma?" she asked.

Keith raised his head up and looked over at her. "You weren't horrible, Princess."

"I needed someone, something to be angry at. I picked you, it was very unfair."

"No. No, it wasn't."

"Yes, yes, it was," Allura said.

Keith shrugged.

"I really don't think the crash was your fault, what happened to Lance wasn't your fault. Or, Sven's. It was Haggar's, Dooms. I don't know why I didn't put my anger there in the first place, it's where all my other anger goes."

"Haggar, yes. Zarkon, Lotor... Never Sven," Keith said.

"Lance says he's better shape than ever," Allura said.

Keith let out a small laugh, there was something perplexing about it to Allura's senses. "I know," he said.

"I'm sure we'll hear something about Sven soon," she said, hope infusing her voice.

Keith sighed. "Your cousin doesn't seem to want to speak with us."

Allura sighed, because it was true. She'd send a message to Pollux every week, it made sense that Keith probably had as well. Asking after Sven, asking after her cousin Romelle's well-being as well. There wasn't any answer. She wasn't sure it meant there was no good news on Sven, it might only mean that Romelle's feelings for Sven made her angry at them, for breaking him more.

"You couldn't have known he'd..."

"Yes, Allura. I did..." Keith said.

"Keith..."

"He was too quiet, he wasn't himself. Even you must have known it," Keith said.

Allura said nothing. She had known it, she'd felt it. When she spoke with Sven, he'd been distance, faraway, he never looked her right in the eye, or even the face. She'd begun to believe her resemblance to Romelle made him uneasy, reminded him of what he missed in Romelle. About why Sven missed Romelle. Because he was the most alive, the most centered when he was speaking with her, when she was visiting and when her visits stopped.

He'd become even more quiet, and more distance. Allura had hoped and prayed it was time and patience that was needed for him to come back to himself and his friends. He'd been through so much. Being with the team, being a part of the team; she fought not to begrudge him his place in Blue Lion because she thought it could be healing. Yet she had fretted. Especially when she saw Lance and Keith start to argue more often.

"I should've listened to Lance."

"You couldn't have foreseen..."

"Lance did. He just thought it'd be me in the coma."

Allura didn't want to think about it, she wanted no one in a coma, no one she loved hurt ever again. She didn't want people bloody and broken and near death. It was bad enough she only knew her father as a spirit.

"Keith, you need to forgive yourself," she said.

"What I need to do is make sure I learn from the experience," he turned toward her then and she felt pinned by his dark eyes. He was the most emotional she'd ever seen him, yet he was hiding so much. He always kept so much locked away inside of himself where no one could reach in and see. It made her want to probe his mind, her intuition reached out to try to read him better. All she felt was fear though and his following words revealed it and guilt.

"I made a mistake letting him back on the team. I knew it soon after he was back with us. I should've told him then he wasn't ready. I should've told him that it was okay to go to Pollux, because it obvious that is where his heart was, with Romelle. It was clear that she was where his healing would lay... But I ignored the signs, Allura because he kept insisting his fine, that he wanted to fly with the team. I knew better as the leader but as a friend I let things get the way. I must learn from my mistakes. I must never make the same mistake, or a similar mistake again."

"You're frightened of making a similar mistake? Now? How?" Allura asked, confused because how could there be a similar mistake lurking around the corner.

Keith nodded but didn't answer her.

Allura stood there watching him fall back into himself again and she didn't know what to do. She grabbed his hand in hers, he looked back at her. "Keith, whatever you're afraid of you don't have to face it alone. You have me, you have everyone else," she smiled and she hoped he felt her friendship, her genuine fondness for him and she squeezed his hand.

Keith smiled, it wasn't a big smile but it was a real smile and she felt better, because it was sincere. He understand she cared, that she'd be there for him like he'd always been there for her and impulsively she flew at him and hugged him. Allura wrapped her arms around his neck, her nose fell into his silky hair and she was against a wall of solid muscle. She blushed as she hugged him, thinking she'd squashed her breast against his chest and that wasn't really becoming a princess but it felt nice, and God, she was always putting herself in bad positions like this. She pulled away as quickly as she'd flied at him, hoped that in the moonlight reflecting off the lake he couldn't see her blush. She gave him one last look, her mind suddenly blank of words and things to say so she went with, "Bye." And left him alone by the lake.

~~.~~

Breasts, Keith thought, they rarely did anything for him. It truly depended on the woman attached to the breasts. The Princess was beautiful and he wasn't thinking about her features, or her body, he was thinking about her soul. She was truly the most beautiful person from the inside out he'd ever met. She was the definition of inside beauty that radiated outward, and she'd been blessed with superficial beauty and therefore it made her radiant. Her name being Allura, so close to the earth word alluring seemed a rare gift of fate and truth. This meant he reacted to her beauty, he reacted to her breasts squashed against his chest, her arms around his neck and more than the genuine love and care she'd been beaming out at him the whole conversation.

Lance was highly attracted to women, maybe he should be more understanding of Allura's effect on Lance, Keith thought as the tingle of arousal still flowed through him. Along with with the unwelcome stab of jealousy that kept coming whenever he thought about Lance and anyone else lately. Lance had gone out drinking with Harry three times this week, he kept inviting Keith with them, but Keith couldn't bring himself to go. Lance came back late, clothes rumbled and he knew that met Lance had gotten some type of action at the bar they'd gone too, man, woman, Harry. Yet, Keith couldn't stand to think about it and he hated himself for it. He and Lance were best friends, they'd always had a perfect give and take situation of casual sex... He'd never thought he could do casual sex until Lance, and granted Lance had always been the only one. But it was Lance, he made it easy, it was no big deal. Keith kept telling himself, it was that he'd realized he'd been taking his friend for granted that had made the sex seem more important than it was him. In time all these weird feelings would fall away and he could go back to occasionally being with Lance without feeling like he wanted to keep him forever.

He'd wanted to keep Sven forever, that had turned out a nightmare. For Sven. It'd been almost six months, Lance was lucky that Arus, despite being a more medieval planet than Earth in many ways, was also a more medically and scientifically advanced planet. It'd cut weeks off of Lance's healing time, he'd still be in PT right, he'd still be healing, the rest of them would still be fighting robeasts a lion short and possibly running out of steam because of it. Somehow they always got lucky, it was if something or someone was always watching out for them. Keith wasn't going to take prayer for granted any longer any more either. Especially in a place where he'd seen magic, spirits and things beyond explanation happen.

It'd been almost six months without a word about Sven. It scared Keith. Had he broken him beyond repair. Had his need to keep Sven, his jealousy over Romelle, his need to believe that when Sven said he was fine, not only almost cost him Lance, but cost Sven his sanity and Sven's chance at happiness. He'd cut down his communications with Pollux, once every two weeks now but still nothing from Romelle. Keith sighed, he just wanted some news, any news. Allura had sounded so hopeful, so sure that soon they would hear something but even Allura knew her cousin wasn't speaking to them.

Because of him, Keith thought. Allura was forgiving, beautiful, wise and he appreciated her words, her touch, her fondness of him. He turned away from the lake, after he stopped hearing her feet against the loose cobblestone path of the Castle garden, and made his way back toward the Castle. Allura had a point, though she hadn't said it out loud. He was brooding to much, spending to much time worrying about making the same mistake twice that he wasn't doing himself any favors. Lance knew something was up with Keith, he knew Keith was avoiding him and he didn't know why. Keith didn't know how to explain it, not that Lance would ask for an explanation. The issue was the last thing Keith wanted to do was go hang out and pick up guys, or girls with Lance and his knew pal Harry. What was worse, Lance seemed to want to hook him up with Harry and Keith wasn't interested, he wasn't attracted to Harry at all. Keith sighed, if he was at least attracted to Harry he might try. It'd be a way to get Lance out of his system, Harry seemed the relationship from what little he'd picked up when around him and Lance. It might help get the weirdness about Lance out of his system.

It brought him back to Allura, picking up he was scared, he was, he didn't want to do to Lance what he'd inadvertently done to Sven. He didn't want to cause damage to anyone he loved ever again. However, he couldn't keep beating himself up about it either, not if Allura and Lance both kept giving him looks about it. Not if Allura was walking up to him and giving him a third apology for blaming him at the peak of her fear about Lance's life. Not when Lance kept trying to corner him and Keith had to use all his skills of avoidance and stealth to hide from him. Hiding from his best friend would do him no good. Especially since they had to work together, they had a team to run together, Lance was his second in command. In fact he had report to file about the meetings today and orders to give Lance, to implement about what was decided.

He couldn't forgive himself for Sven, though, like Allura had told him he should. She meant well, he loved her a little bit for suggesting it. Yet, if he forgave himself for the mess, it'd be easy to forget the lessons learned. He couldn't forget the lessons learned, it could cost someone else too much. Walking into his office, he decided once he finished his report, he'd try to track down Allura to thank her for the talk, because he did feel lighter and he knew it had been because she'd seen through him enough to help out, even if she didn't understand the truth of the issues.

~~.~~

(Bold) Lance

I got a letter today, Space Mail. My grandmother is the only person who writes me letters, she refuses to email, or communicate with me via other space communications. Grandma McClain rather write to me, long letters about life back home, bake me cookies that somehow manage to never go stale on the way here. And I have to say, I do love opening the letters, she sends three at a time, written in succession, over the course of one week. They come in a normal pattern, I always know when they will arrive, so when the guy who delivers the mail from Earth to Arus, knocked on my door, I was surprised to see him.

He handed me a letter. It was thin, not thick like hers, and there was no box of cookies. I looked at it, muttered a thank you and felt a bit dazed when I saw the postmark. Pollux. I looked at my name on the envelope and recognized the handwriting. It was Sven's small print, his uneven lettering, I almost fell to the floor but managed to get my butt on my bed.

Sven and I, are close, we are. Our friendship is a strange thing, it really is. When I met him, I already knew he'd messed with Keith's head, that Keith had fallen hard and Sven had been experimenting like so many people do and then called the experiment a failure. How, or why they managed to become friends I'll never quite know, Keith's possessive. Sven cared about him, I saw that, he threatened me not to hurt him too when he realized we were casual about the sex. I told him and Keith had clear set rules... And we do, have for... Shit, not doing the math, will make me feel way too old and I'm not over twenty-five, won't be twenty-six for another few months. I found it funny when he threatened me, considering he was the one who'd broken Keith's heart, and I told him so. He'd looked ashamed then, and sighed. He said he hadn't meant for that to happen, they were supposed to be casual too. He said he hadn't known Keith would turn up at the Academy too.

It was a mess for a long time, somehow he and I became friends and trust me, it never would have happened without Keith in common. I'm too loud and Sven too quiet. We never would have sought the other out as a friend, but he's family to me now. I go to him when I need grounding. He's the one I first went too when I realized that Allura had burrowed under my skin like no other girl, woman, person, ever had. How uncomfortable, awkward, terrified it made me for me, for her. He'd had squat for advice, but he'd listened.

It took me awhile to open the letter. It was one page when I did, printed out like my name on the envelope. My throat tightened when I read the words, my heart pounded in my ears and one of my hands started to stroke the scar, still bright pink, on my stomach without even realizing. Some new unknown nervous habit I've managed to create, I suppose.

_Lance,_

_My brother, my friend,_

_Romelle and my doctors felt today that I was well enough to tell me the events that led to me coming to home to Pollux. I have many holes in my memory, of my time with you, and the rest of my family on Arus. It is strange to me to think that with you and Keith I somehow wasn't all there. What I must've put you both through...Him through._

_Romelle told me everything, quietly, quickly, and bluntly. She is a rock for me. I was appalled, to think I could screw up in such a way to nearly take your life. Your life. What that must've done to Keith, he loves you so. To Princess as well, she relies so much on you, you know._

_I am writing this to apologize but I do know mere words cannot make up for you losing a chunk of time of your life, for being lost away from battle when your friends need you so. I am sick with it. Forgive me, min bror,_

_Sven_

Nothing more was said and I had to shake my head at him. He not ask me for forgiveness, he not worry about me. I looked up from the letter, my head looked toward the wall where I knew through the rock and plaster, was the hall and then Keith's door. He was the one who needed to know Sven was finding the pieces of his mind again. Maybe Sven wasn't ready for that, for that letter, for those emotions. I wondered who much Romelle knew and didn't know.

I'm wondering if I tell Keith about this.


	11. Chapter 11

Notes: First sorry for being so slow on all my stories. RL stuff, you all know how it goes. Second hope everyone enjoys and poltro is a word I semi made up for Arusian chicken.

Chapter Eleven

Lance fiddled with the collar of his jacket, then ran his hands down the opening, his left hand fiddling with the tiny handle of the broken zipper. The zipper had been broken when Lance found the jacket, everyone in his family told him to get it fixed. But he couldn't, he wouldn't - he remembered his grandfather in this jacket, he never zipped up no matter how windy, or wet a day would get. Lance knew the zipper had been broken a long time. It was his grandfather's jacket and now it was his. He wasn't going to fix the zipper. He didn't need the jacket closed to know it protected him, or offered him shelter. All that was in the memories; the bonus factor was he looked hot in the jacket. He'd learned that day after his grandfather's funeral, when girls had flocked around him not because he'd lost his grandfather because they thought he looked so cool in the old brown leather jacket.

Looking down at the broken zipper, Lance idly wondered what his grandfather would do now, here, in the hallway with the letter he had in the right pocket. He asked the question: What would Grandpop do or say to him in this situation. In the past he'd heard a few things like: _Fly fast and shoot furious. __You kiss that girl if you like her and you show her what makes a McClain a McClain boy. _ _Never argue with your mother, your grandmother, or the woman you plan to marry about the things that really matter. Only argue dumb stuff, to get them all hot and bothered, rile them up. Lance, it makes them cuter... Your granny used to get the cutest little wrinkle...well it's permenant now between her eyes, you've seen it boy how it..._

His grandpop could ramble, Lance thought. He'd never led Lance wrong, he'd handled it better than his parents when he came out as bisexual, and to think he'd been the one Lance had worried about the most. He shook his head remembering. _Knew a man like you when I was in the Garrison, best damn wingman I was ever partnered with, that'd be your Great Uncle Mick, you only met a few times when you were kid, he died to young of that damn cancer..._ Lance remembered the guy, more from stories than meeting him. He'd been Grandpop's best friend. It figured. Grandpop had been made to be Lance's best mentor and perfect idol. And someday, Lance wanted to be able to wear the jacket when he couldn't zip over his belly too, so he was never fixing the zipper.

He couldn't figure out what Grandpop would do in this moment but tell Keith the truth, so that was what he was going to do. He pushed the button to announce to Keith he had a visitor. He hoped Keith didn't try to run him off this time, he was starting to get tired of the avoidance. The least Keith could do was walk to the dinning room with him. The team always ate meals together, Lance knew Keith couldn't avoid him there but he rather do this privately but Keith gave him the bum's rush, he would tell Keith about the letter over dinner in front of everyone else.

The door opened, Lance got a whiff of whatever kind of shampoo, and other hair products Keith used on his hair that made it smell like he'd been walking on a beach. Coconut tanning oil, sea-salt? Lance didn't know but always made him wish they were closer to the Arusian oceans, he'd only managed to get down to one once. They were gorgeous, warm and perfect and to far for a member of the Voltron Force to go. Lance wondered if he could talk Keith - and then Coran, into allowing Allura - into a team trip to the beach with the Lions?

"Lance?"

"Oh, heh," Lance laughed at himself. "Sorry, I started daydreaming about something, you smell like a beach, it's distracting. Look, so, here is the thing, I've heard from Sven," Lance decided that saying directly was his best bet.

Next thing Lance knew, he was across the hall, back plastered against the wall and Keith was frisking him, strong hands, going every where on his body a note could be. He let it happen, it was rather fun and not at all unwelcome. He hadn't gotten any good sex in over a month, maybe longer. Plus, Lance was curious to see if Keith was ever going to ask him about how he heard from Sven, if there was even a letter in any of his pockets like Keith was looking for, but then he saw it. A flash in Keith's eyes, which were aimed at his jacket, which Keith so far had had the respect not to touch. He knew it was off limits, it was always off limits.

Lance blocked Keith's hand before it got near the pocket of his jacket. "Not the jacket," Lance snapped.

"Give me the letter, he had to have sent you a letter, there have been no incoming communications from Pollux since Allura contacted Romelle about the crash."

"Yes, it's a letter."

"Give it to me."

"No," Lance said, trying and failing to get away from the wall, he was fighting a brick wall, crap he was stuck between a real wall and a wall of muscle. And Keith had his hands on his jacket. But damn it he didn't want Keith to read the letter. Sven talked way to lovingly about Romelle in the thing. Lance didn't want to see that fact register with Keith, so he quickly pulled his left arm out of his jacket to block Keith getting his hands into the left pocket, pulled the letter out of his right pocket and waved it under Keith's nose, as he let his jacket fall to the floor with an eye roll. "Can we leave my jacket out of this?"

Keith's eyes went right to the letter and he reached. Lance smirked, stretched his right arm as high as he could over his head that he could and really enjoyed the fact he was taller than Keith by a few inches. Keith could jump, but Lance could hold on him. "Give it to me!" Keith shouted.

"No. Let's talk about this," Lance yelled finally ducking around Keith, and getting into the middle of the hallway. Only to have Keith grab the collar of his shirt and pull him backward, slam him into the wall again. Lance rolled his eyes, he wasn't really fighting back because it was just - silly. This was silly.

"Give me the letter, Lance," Keith said, in front of him now, grabbing at the front of his collar, glaring into Lance's eyes.

Lance realized he was cold and he lowered his eyes and noticed his shirt had complete ridden up, his damn nipples were showing. He - hell the two of them - looked ridiculous. He started to laugh, which did not make Keith happy.

"I'm going to really punch you soon, McClain."

"Will you calm down," Lance said.

"No."

"He just wanted to apologize to me about the crash. He's getting better, Romelle is helping a lot. That's all he said, Keith. It's short, it's not full of details, okay. I just wanted you to know he contacted me. Okay?" Lance hurried it all out, because Keith did look like he was thinking about hitting him hard enough to punch him out. All so he could grab the piece of paper in Lance's hand.

Keith went quiet, almost too quiet, Lance had to strain to make sure the guy was still breathing. He could hear it but Keith was motionless, quiet, he couldn't read anything anymore in Keith's dark eyes. His friend had gone to that place Keith could go, where no one could touch him, reach him - it always scared the shit out of Lance. He couldn't stand it, so he lowered his right hand, let the letter fall to the floor and put his hand on the back of Keith's neck. Keith's hair tickled the back of his hand, Lance ran his thumb up and down the nape of his neck and met Keith's gaze and hoped the guy saw him.

"Hey, come on, talk to me about this, will you? Cause you made me drop my jacket to the floor...you owe me, Kogane." It was weak, but he was aiming blind here, real heart to heart talks were not his strength.

"He wrote whole sentences?" Keith asked, his voice low, barely a whisper. Then his grip on Lance's collar broke, his hands fell onto Lance's skin. Hot palms, against his ribs, and a forehead fell on his right shoulder.

Without knowing it, Lance's right hand, started to go up and down, Keith's upper back, barely poking out from behind the veil of his hair. He swallowed hard at the question, because it made him wonder what horrible things Keith was envisioning for Sven. "Yeah, whole sentences, in English. He's good, he's Sven, Keith. He's... I still think he's just not ready for us, he maybe where he was when he was here. But he's not catatonic."

Keith looked up and met Lance's eyes, he looked resigned to Lance which wasn't the emotion Lance was expecting. "If he said he was in love with Romelle, you don't have to protect me you know. I'm, I'm as over him as I think I can be," Keith whispered.

Lance searched Keith's expression, trying to gauge the truth of the statement but he had no idea. He didn't know, he'd seen Keith tear himself to pieces over Sven. He'd seen how being in love with someone who didn't, couldn't love you back tore Keith apart. Sven and Keith had found some way to make it work, to be friends, teammates, Keith healed. Keith had a fucked up friends with benefits relationship with Lance. Lance had his own reasons for it, he had his own reasons for never caring for any one past a certain point - why let his heart get trampled on. Keith was the closest he had to relationship and it wasn't one at all.

"He doesn't say much at all," Lance said. "He says she's been a rock."

Keith made a face. "A rock? Who says something like that?"

"Sven apparently?"

"He always sucked at writing English."

Lance laughed and Keith smiled about halfway which was better than nothing at all. "We good, you going to mauling me in the hallway?" Lance asked. "Cause, I like at least a drink first sometimes..."

Keith rolled his eyes and was about to say something else when they heard footsteps coming towards them. They broke apart, however Lance could feel Keith near him, just shade too close to him. Guess, the avoiding is over, for the moment, Lance thought. He bent down to grab the letter, and his jacket off the floor as Keith hissed, "Lance, fix your shirt," just as Lance saw his favorite pair of female feet come around the corner.

Allura's toes were painted pink, she had on pair of silver sandals with hard soles. Lance moved back up, pulled his jacket back on and then tugged down his shirt. Allura had stopped when she saw them but hadn't said anything yet. She was looking between the two of them. She was taking in the picture they presented. Two guys, with rumbled up clothes and hair, who were still pushing and pulling things back into place. Out of one the corner of his left eye Lance saw Keith, run a hand through his hair, and with his other eye he watched Allura's expression. He shifted his full attention to her eyes, he wanted to see what her sight and her intuition told her had been going on before she arrived at the scene.

"Were the two of you fighting?" she asked, finally after a few minutes.

Keith sighed, audibly and guiltily. Lance didn't need to look over at him to know he looked caught, embarrassed and like he had stick up his ass - though considering how much of a bottom Keith was he should look happier when he walked around all uptight and cranky. Lance pushed the thought out of his head, because now was not the time to crack himself up.

"I heard from Sven," Lance said, because he felt no guilt about what had happened. He knew why it'd happened, hell he'd almost expected the tussle. He'd thought it'd be mostly verbal and not so physical. But hell, it'd been kind of fun, though on the ridiculous side of things. Lance also knew that Allura was worried about Keith too. He'd seen her watching Keith, walking around with the storm cloud over his head, looking worried and unsure of how to help him. She also cared about Sven herself and her relationship with Romelle. If Sven was doing better, than Romelle may start speaking to Allura again. Pollux and Arus would be again working on their renewed relations.

Only her eyes moved, she stood still studying them both like they were a puzzle. Lance could feel Keith wanting to squirm but refusing too underneath the scrutiny. Lance himself enjoyed it, he liked it when her eyes were on him. He winked when her gaze locked with hers, she blushed and bit her lip. Looked down for a moment and then looked back up at him and asked, "How is he?"

There was something in the way she said it, that Lance wondering if she was asking about Sven or Keith. He darted to eyes to Keith for a nanosecond and chose his words carefully. "Sven seems to be about what he was like before the crash; he mentioned Romelle being a big help to him. He wrote to me to apologize, which was unneeded," Lance paused. "I was thinking that after dinner, I'd try to contact him on Pollux to tell him his apology isn't accepted because there wasn't a need for one. What do you think Keith?"

Keith looked straight at him, with wide open black eyes, and for that brief moment looked vulnerable but then Keith had himself hidden again. Nothing to see behind his dark irises. Nothing revealed. "Want to be there?" Lance asked?

Keith nodded.

"This is wonderful news, then! Sven is on his way to recovery, I'm sure he'll respond to your call Lance." Allura said her voice full of genuine optimism and sincerity. Then she frowned and shook her head them. "But you two are late for dinner, which is why I came to get you. Nanny is unhappy. The food is getting cold..." she gave them both a fake stern look and turned around. "But." Allura turned her head back at them. "I think under the circumstances she will understand your tardiness, we just won't tell her you two were fighting in the hallway."

Lance started to walk after Allura, but noticed Keith remained standing behind, so he stepped backward instead of forward. He put his hand on Keith's shoulder. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I...yeah," Keith looked at Lance and gave him lopsided smile. "Maybe, tomorrow, we could go into the village together. For drinks?"

Lance grinned. "That'd be great," he said. "Bout time you stopped brooding here in the Castle all time," he swung his arm around Keith's shoulders. "Come on, we don't want Nanny to send us back here to our rooms without dinner for making everyone wait. Hunk might threaten to eat us."

Keith laughed.

Lance grinned.

Allura looked back over her shoulder at them from further up the hall, Lance caught her eye and winked. "Don't worry, beautiful, we're on our way."

~~.~~

Nanny had lost her anger the moment she found out why they were late for dinner, and offered to reheat anything for anyone who wanted it. No one took her up on the offer, since Nanny always made sure the food was piping hot, it had cooled down enough to eat without going cold. Allura took the seat she preferred at the table, the one she'd always used as a little girl. Her father used to sit where Coran sat now, and her mother where Keith sat. He was on her right and Lance sat on her left. They'd both slid into those seats from the first dinner they'd eaten at the Castle, and it had remained so for every meal ever since. Hunk and Pidge, sat across from her and Lance, with Nanny sitting next to Hunk - that was once she finally sat down.

Coran every now and again tried to get her to sit at the head of the table, or at least where Keith or Nanny sat, saying it wasn't correct etiquette for the Crown Princess to be sitting where she was but Allura wouldn't budge. It'd been her seat since she was a child, she wasn't going to change it now, plus she liked where she sat. she liked having Lance and Keith surounding her and being able to look across at the friendly faces of Hunk and Pidge. It gave her a family again, and she was surrounded by it and the protection it offered her. It wasn't the physical protection that she craved it was the comforting protection, the security, the laughter, the familial feel.

They laughed, they made fun of each other, Hunk and Lance burped and Nanny scolded them. Pidge spilled things and Nanny made a fuss about him staining his clothes. Coran and Keith watched over them all, and Keith and Lance would usually tell stories until Keith started to talk business, which Lance wouldn't take seriously until he finished his meal.

Right now she was being quiet, and letting Hunk and Pidge ask Lance their questions about Sven. She was eating her vegetable salad, with grilled poltro1 and keeping a careful side eye on Keith. He seemed different from when she'd left him by the lake. At the lake he'd seemed withdrawn, deep inside himself, she had felt she had helped him a little bit but not as much as she had hoped. He was keeping something to himself still, but the news seemed to have lighten the burden more than their talk, but something was still going on with him. He kept leaning back in his chair and glancing over at Lance. It was strange, Allura could feel Keith staring at the back of Lance's head, it was as if the path his gaze was on left a trail in the air behind her, and she could feel it on the back of her neck. It was a heavy stare, Keith didn't dare do it for too long, but when he did it was heavy and it felt like he was waiting for Lance to catch him looking.

It must be about Sven, she thought as the dinner went on. He had more questions but he wouldn't want to ask them in front of everyone but he wanted Lance to know he had them. He needed to say it and discuss it before Lance tried to contact Sven. Pidge and Hunk had invited themselves along to sit on on Lance's call. Allura felt a pressure to have her hope Sven would reply to Lance be true, when she'd said it to Lance and Keith she'd been sincere in her belief but in waiting and talking about it...

They hadn't heard from Sven or Pollux for almost six months, Sven had written a short letter to Lance. What if she'd gotten all their hopes up? What if she'd gotten Keith's hopes up? She frowned and stabbed her last piece of poltro hard.

Lance whispered in her ear. "Hey pretty, you just went from smiling to frowning, what is it?"

She shivered. Lance's voice rolled down her spine, every time he bent down and whispered into her ear. Every time. She hoped no one noticed her sprout goosebumps up and down her bare arms, she shouldn't have worn a halter dress to dinner, she thought. Then she tried to remember the question, she looked up from her stabbed poltro and met his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked again.

Allura could hear Keith talking to Coran about something they had discussed but not come to a conclusion about in one of the many meetings that had gone earlier in the day, Keith was busy and he wouldn't hear. She still leaned in closer to Lance, caught a whiff of leather, and something smoky and woodsy which for some reason made her want to keep leaning in and blush. She focused on her reason for leaning in closer and whispered. "I'm worried he won't answer, we'll get the same run around." She then looked over her shoulder for the briefest of seconds.

Lance's eyes seemed to zoom in on Keith, in a stare that matched the heaviness of the one that Keith had been sending periodically throughout the dinner behind her back at Lance. Lance had glanced a time or two at Keith behind her head but had kept missing him, now though Keith suddenly turned from speaking with Coran and met Lance's eyes.

Allura though she was between them and couldn't really see either one clearly, felt strange, she felt invisible and she felt as though they were having some strange silent conversation that she knew they needed to have. Part of it was about Sven, about not getting their hopes up, but there was something else...

There was that thing she was always missing, there and palpable between them. Heavy, it was in the air, she could feel it when their eyes locked. When they looked at the other one when the other one wasn't looking. She knew it was there, and she realized that right now it'd made the whole table go silent.

"I think we should realize," Keith started to say.

"I think you should shut up," Lance said interrupting him.

Keith turned back to him.

Allura knew were Lance was going and she weighed the options and decided she agreed. She rather hope than not hope. "I agree," she said, looking at Keith with a smile.

"You do?" Keith said, then he looked at Lance. "What is she agreeing with?"

Allura found herself blushing, realizing that maybe she shouldn't have assumed she knew what Lance was thinking.

"She's agreeing that we're going to go into the control room, contact Pollux, and I'm going to ask to speak to Sven, regarding his letter without any pessimistic thoughts about if he'll answer or not."

"He'll answer," Hunk said. "He contacted Lance, he wants to talk us. Or, him, anyway. He'll be happy to see our all faces. We won't overwhelm him, we'll just make it quick."

"If he only wants to talk to Lance, and you, we'll leave," Pidge said, looking at Keith.

Allura took in all four of them then, it was unspoken but it was obvious to her that Keith and Sven were the closest, or seen as the closest by everyone else. Yet, to her from day one Keith and Lance had always seemed the closest. Sven was part of it, a third, a part of a trio but...No it was Keith and Lance who were the closest. Allura was sure of it. Why that wasn't known to the group, she didn't understand but she knew it to be true. She decided to take another risk. "Keith, we'll also give you and Lance time to talk alone before we all go in. I interrupted you two talking before, so I'm sure you didn't get to ask all your questions."

Keith's gaze left Lance and fell on her, it wasn't quite so heavy but she felt a comfortable weight from his mind to hers, it was saying something she couldn't quite intuit and she sighed inwardly wishing she could grab onto it. "Thank you, Allura," Keith said with a small smile.

She blushed, something that always happened when Keith gave her a rare genuine smile. They were like falling stars she thought, they didn't happen too often, she wondered if she should make a wish, then chastised herself for being such a little girl. She decided to focus the remainder of the dinner focusing on what was left of her food and drinking her water.

Before she knew it, Lance and Keith were walking ahead of her, Pidge and Hunk towards the control room. Lance had his arm swung around Keith's shoulders again and his head bent down toward his ear. They were talking to low for her to hear anything they were saying, but she caught Keith smiling a couple times and took it for a good sign, he was feeling hopeful. Something he hadn't been in regards to Sven and the situation of Sven's issues for the rest of them. That was a good thing, but other thoughts kept interrupting her thoughts and making her want to hang back behind Pidge and Hunk so they wouldn't see her face during red. Lance was whispering, bringing his voice down all throaty and low, she remembered how it'd caused a shiver to roll straight down her spine to her... She felt chill just at the memory of it, her stomach flipped and Keith's smiles lit up his face, enhancing everything handsome about him. She was finding herself staring at them both too hard, and too long.

_It wasn't becoming a princess_, she heard in her head in Nanny's voice. She really wished she could get that out of her head...

~~.~~

**Keith**

I don't think I breathed for the first five minutes Lance was speaking to Pollux. I sat on his right side, unseen to the video camera on our computers and thankful, Allura was standing on the far left, behind Hunk so I could grip Lance's thigh. I needed too, I think I bruised him but he said nothing at all, just gave me a look when my hand reached down and a slight nod to let me know he understood. I was nervous, I told himself, I told him I wasn't sure this was a good idea after all. Especially with all of us here, it was why only he was on camera at first. My throat felt was it was closing. I expected the guard to give the standard spiel about how they had orders to not allow anyone to speak to Sven because he was under the Castle's protection while under the Prince and Princess's supervision of his medical needs.

I keep trying to remind myself that though Romelle feels like a stranger to me, she isn't to Sven. They connected in a way I can't understand, or I do understand when I think about him, or Allura. I met Sven and I felt like I'd found a person who'd been missing from life all that other time. With Allura, I met her and it was if I'd always known her, the more I know her the more sure I am we were meant to be in each other's lives. It's rare to find those things, if Sven found it with Romelle, if he found more than connection and found love...

I was so busy reminding myself that Romelle wasn't a stranger to Sven, I almost missed the fact the guard reacted to the fact Lance said he was calling the Castle to respond to Sven's letter. When I realized it was going on I saw that the guard looked shocked, suspicious and he started to question Lance.

"A letter mailed from this planet, from Holgersson?"

"Yes," Lance said and he pulled out the letter from his pocket, it was separate from the envelope but he found that too and pulled it out, he flipped it over so the guard could clearly see the stamps, codes, the writing on that marked Sven as the sender.

The guard stared at it for some time, I watched gripping Lance's thigh tighter and tighter, until Lance put a hand over mine, I let go a bit but I couldn't completely. Then the guard stood up. "Please wait."

None of us spoke a word, I had to move my hand, Allura came up and moved herself between me and Lance, she took my hand and put her other on Lance's shoulder. I can't explain how her hand in my helped me but it did, she has such a calm quiet strength and though I could see her worry and hear it in her breathing, she still radiated a sense of 'wait and see, don't panic.'

And I shouldn't have been. I keep feeling too deeply but he's my...I guess he'll always be Sven and though Allura doesn't know about him and I, she understands the friendship and the depth of feeling nonetheless.

Romelle sat down at the chair in front of Lance. Lance sat up straighter, Allura moved into the field of vision. Romelle gave them both a weak smile of hello, she looked upset. "Colin tells me, Lance has had a letter from Sven?"

Lance nodded. "I got it today. He's apologizing about the crash."

Romelle let out a sigh. "I see," she sighed. "As you know we're a few hours ahead of you. They have to give him a sedative or he gets no sleep, they give it to him at nine, it puts him straight to sleep..." she trailed off. "I need to speak with him, I didn't know... I think I've screwed up..." she burst into tears.

Lance slid out of the seat, I think Allura said something to Romelle as she slid into the seat, all I know was we all walked out of the room at that moment. The four of us stood there for about ten minutes, then Hunk and Pidge decided they had things to do so they took off. I stood there staring at the door, wondering what had Romelle crying, why she hadn't know about the letter, if Sven was safe.

Lance was quiet, hands in his jacket, leaning against the opposite wall. He must've been really worried too, maybe I should've tried to talk to him but I couldn't help wondering if I should just go get Sven. It curled around me, this urge to run and get him, protect him and make sure he wasn't hurt. I started toward the door, it was a minute movement but Lance's voice stopped me cold.

"He wants to be there."

I stopped.

"Whatever the mix up is over there, he wants to be there. The letter was about him needing to get the apology to me. Nothing else, Keith. He talked about needing her, I told you that. The rock thing," Lance shrugged.

I closed my eyes.

"You can't fix him."

Lance has that so many times. I looked up and I looked at him. He looked handsome, but worried, he had his hands out of his pockets and I knew they were ready to grab me. He'd done it again. Figured me out, known what I was thinking. Finding me predictable.

"I know." I admitted.

He might have said something, or maybe not. Who knows but Allura walked out then. She gave us a small smile and asked about Pidge and Hunk. We told them they had some things to take care of. She nodded and explained that Sven had been wanting to contact Lance for awhile but she wasn't letting him, angry at us still for the crash and for him being catatonic.

"Me you mean," Keith said.

"She didn't say that," Allura said. "I think she spread out the blame, Keith. As we were talking a nurse came in and admitted she smuggled the letter out for him. Romelle is going to talk to him in the morning and there going to contact us tomorrow afternoon. Romelle says who he talks too and for how long will be up to Sven."

Tomorrow afternoon.

Ominous words.

I'm afraid. What if I see him and it grips me tight again, all the love, because it's not gone. It can't go, falling out of love who you still love and like isn't... It's not the same, and maybe it's because I'm a possessive bastard but fear I'll see his gray eyes and serious face and want to keep him again. But he'll be on a screen, with her, far away. And then what, I'll feel broken and I'll make a mistake and wrap myself too tight around Lance...

Which...I might have already slipped up there. I can't decide if it's healthy step forward or me letting his brown eyes and his damn sarcastic laugh beguile me. I can't take it back though. Tomorrow, Lance and I go for drinks.

Tomorrow looms.

1 poltro - Arusian Bird much like Chicken.


	12. Chapter 12

Twelve

Romelle paced past the door to Sven's suite in Polluxian Castle. Her stomach was churning, she had a bad taste in the back of her throat. Every few steps or so she would stop for a moment and wring her hands, eyes on the knob to his door.

Footsteps closing in on her made Romelle look up, but she barely processed the fact her brother was walking toward her. She kept on with her pacing, her mind running a mile a minute yet not seeming to think any coherent thought.

"You haven't gone in yet? I told them we'd be in Castle Control soon for Sven talking with the Voltron Force." Bandor looked confused as he spoke, his gaze on his sister. "Romelle?"

"I've hurt him... He snuck out that letter because I wouldn't let him speak to them... I didn't know... I don't know how to face him knowing that I've let him down."

Bandor shook his head. "Come on, Sis, no way Sven feels you let him down. The two of you... he brought me back you," Bandor looked down to the floor, tears welling in his eyes.

He's always been so emotional Romelle thought, stopping her hand wringing to put a hand on her brother's shoulder. "Bandor...it's okay."

Bandor wiped his face of tears, locked his gaze with hers and nodded. "Exactly... it will be okay, go in and tell him."

"How..." she laughed not quite believing her little brother had just turned her own advice against her. She took a deep breathe, then breathed it out slowly. "Wait out here, please?"

"Of course," Bandor said with a nod.

Her heart beat like thunder in her ears, she hadn't felt fear like this - ever, she realized. This was the fear of harming the man who owned her soul. It threatened to take away her voice but she loved him, she loved him and she would make her amends.

Sven turned from the window he was always standing out...Romelle wondered if he saw the river valley view at all when he stood there...she couldn't believe he daydreamed. That was such an innocent past time and it felt too simple for Sven.

He smiled at the sight of her. Sometimes the only time he would smile all day... though he'd been smiling more and more day by day. She hoped what she was about to bring up didn't regress him. She had sudden selfish thought - what if talking with them regressed him. But no. That was what she'd done wrong, keeping him from his family. She must make her amends.

"Romelle?" he asked and she realized she stopped walking halfway into the room and was wringing her hands once again. "Has something happened?" his voice rose and shade of panic.

"No, no... no reason to worry. Not you anyway... I... Lance got his letter." She couldn't read his expression. He averted his storm colored eyes from her to the floor. She held her breathe.

"It took that... For them to try to talk to me?" Sven said a moment later his voice lower than she has ever heard it. Her heart cracked, that thinking was her fault. All her fault.

"No...they've. All of them try to contact you many times a week... I have not allowed anyone to answer their attempts. Until Lance said he had had a letter from you..."

"You weren't allowing..." Sven said his voice distant.

Romelle nodded.

Sven turned his back to her, back toward the window. The silence was a knife to her heart. She wanted him to yell, scream, to call her names. She was guilty... her heartbeats were fast but the silence was long. Her pounding heart all she heard.

"The doctors said again and again, I am not ready to speak to them - were they lying to me?"

"Not at first..." she said her voice sounding like a whisper to her.

He turned back gray eyes glaring. "What?"

"Not at first," she repeated louder if not more clearly. "But then..." she took in a sharp breath. "They were supposed to be your family Sven but you got worse there, you were catatonic for so long I feared I was would never hear your voice again, see that gleam in your eyes."

He faced the window again. His shoulders slumped, a hand on the wall beside the window... as if he had to hold himself in. Romelle watched, she waited, with held breath.

"You kept them from me," he said his tone stabbing harder with each word.

Tears fell down her cheeks. "I was wrong."

He turned expression dark. "You were."

Romelle wished a hole to open up on the ground and swallow her whole. Never in her life had she felt more wrong, or more unworthy of forgiveness.

"You may speak to them all today, we arranged a meeting last night when I found out about the letter... I... I never should have made you feel you had to do that... to sneak around to speak with them. I..." she had to stop to breath, to fight off sobbing. "I am sorrier than I can express."

Another long silence. "When?"

"Now, or we can do it when you wish."

"Now is fine." He walked past her and opened the door. Pausing a brief moment and glancing over his shoulder at her. His expression stormy. "You are coming...to make sure they don't hurt me again, I am sure..."

She shook her head. "If you wish me not to come..."

"That would be good... Castle Control?"

She nodded unable to speak. As Sven left she felt something rip from inside her being. What if he doesn't come back to her? Romelle went to the window and attempted to breathe through her tears.

~.~

**Sven**

I create this illusion of being in control, of being okay - maybe getting better - as I work with the doctors on... I feel I fight them more than not. Or lie to them... Only the lies weren't working on Pollux as they did on Arus.

Because on Arus my illusion shattered and I nearly killed... I nearly killed... do not want to write it in black and white norwegian...but I must. I must face the guilt and pain...

I looked into Lance's eyes today. He is alive. I must remember this as I think of what almost happened with the blood all on my hands. Keith tried to take blame. As did Lance. But no...

I was to blame for pretending I was better than I was. That I was not only physically out of shape but emotionally trashed in ways I did not want to face.

I fight facing it all to this day...and the doctors on Pollux will not let me hide from them. There is yelling, shouting and screaming - almost hit a few of the more confrontational doctors... Romelle being the only reason, the only one who can pull me back from that abyss of anger and... yes self-pity.

She herself is facing emotional trauma, baggage much bigger and worse than my own... and she does it with it such grace. Strongest person I know... my faith, my heart.

Which is why this hurts so badly. She was keeping them from me. I thought it was the doctors, I thought she was listening to them when she spoke to me about why I wasn't allowed to try to contact my friends...

But I also didn't know they were trying to contact me... this is where my angry boils over. It wasn't not being to speak to them that drove me mad enough to lie, hide and get a nurse to sneak out that letter. It thought they weren't trying to contact me.

That I had lost them due to having that strong illusion of being the Sven they'd always known and... I dare hope, loved. I thought they were angry and possibly out of my life for ever... but I had to speak to Lance and since every attempt was shot down with psychological rationales I did what I had to do.

And found out Romelle had been keeping them from me. They had tried to speak with me practically every day since I left. Contacting Pollux for updates on my progress...

They did not know there was any progress. I had come to Pollux broken again and unable to see or hear... to think. It'd been so safe in that shell... only Romelle...

Only Romelle could reach me while I was inside it. While I was hiding from what I had done - become. And there is to be no more hiding. No hiding!

Romelle. I am angry with her. Far angrier than I can recall being aroused within me about someone... She lied to me. She was who was keeping me from apologizing to Lance. She blamed them as I blamed myself, and they blamed themselves. Everyone assigning guilt and who of us is right. All of us, none of us... I don't know except I was kept from what I needed...

She's crying now, she's been crying. She had cried before walking into my suite...and revealing the truth of her deception and her reasons. I saw the pain in her eyes... beautiful blue eyes the color of an Oslo sky...my Romelle.

I am angry and more sure of my love for her at this moment... at this complicated human moment I am not sure I am well enough to unentangle on my own. Yet I cannot talk of these things with my doctors.

Maybe they are helping me... I don't know... this book is the idea of one of them. Writing down the harder emotions will help you to process them he told me...

I had laughed at him in my head. I had laughed because ALL my emotions are complicated and hard to explain now. All things are tainted with pain and fear. And bleak endless days with no one to rely on, or speak too...

I had forgotten I had a voice until Romelle fell in front of me.

I want to forgive her. I will forgive her - I am seeing that. But right now every time I think of her, anytime I see her - be it physically or in my mind's eye... a rush of horrible anger of a size I cannot explain...

I threw everything I could in my suite that was not laying down. I have locked the door so they can't come in a sedate me. Eventually they will get back into this room... but they'll find me still writing here or sitting still eyes out the window...

That window where I see nothing but own thoughts.

I am afraid of what I might do or say to her... she kept me from Lance. She kept me from apologizing, something that has been gnawing at me for weeks, days... if I can't tell him how sorry I am about what I nearly caused...

I couldn't breath at times from the pain of it... of almost ending his life. This man, this friend of mine through good times and hell...

More and more hell. I caused him hell.

Me.

That is not allowed.

No. I can't see her yet... I will rage and scream and it will do no one any good.

Yet... I do feel better now that I have seen Lance and Keith's faces. Spoken with them and made my apologies. It... something fell back into place within me, the memory of when I made that fatal error during that battle that caused Red crash... it feels further away from me now. I am working through it and perhaps.. perhaps knowing Lance is in fine sarcastic-annoying Keith form...

I can not express in any language how good it was to see those two glowering at one another, shoving elbows and just being who they are... Keith pensive and quiet, trying to take all the blame on himself...

I needed to take it off of his shoulders... because I was as wrong as him to think I could go on as if my injuries, my traumas have never occurred.

I will always wish they were so easy to throw behind me, however... and I keep trying to blunder through this process faster than may be possible...

But I have gotten healing I know I needed seeing Lance alive and hearing his voice telling me not to stupid.

Once I have calmed... I even think, I hope, Romelle and I will find our way past the angry and resentments... that we too will be stronger. As both of us become better.

Enough of writing in this thing.


End file.
